December means a lot of things, but for The A.V. Club it means an onslaught of year-end features that require weeks of preparation and inevitably enrage people who think something deserved to be ranked higher or lower or not even in consideration. But there’s one year-end feature that unites people with disparate sensibilities: our annual look at the band names we encountered for the first time this year (or couldn’t remember seeing before). It’s one of our readers’ most anticipated yearly features, but last December came and went without it. What happened? I was unavailable to write it, despite the massive list of contenders I accumulated over 2014. But things have changed, and it’d be a shame not to give a band like Bummers Eve its due. So here we are, four months late, but bursting with notable names. See you in eight months.
Sexy times
- Band description, per Bandcamp: “MANIAC BLACK METAL-PUNK FROM THE MOTOR CITY. UNCOMPROMISED EVIL AND SPELL FOR THE MOST DIS-SEMEN-ATING DIEHARD DEMONS!”
- Bandcamp helpfully sells its 2013 album, Sucks Cocks In Hell, with a “send as gift” option, along with its 2014 tour “Virgin Killer” T-shirt. (“Slay all the virgin tail in your neighborhood!”)
- The group has since wussed out and changed its name to The Oddio Trio, which admittedly suits its instrumental organ-jazz better. But the group didn’t go out before using this logo that probably lost the band some fans among the Christian right:
- Urban Dictionary claims a “flying donkey” is a phenomenon independent of the donkey punch, but it all sounds sketchy: “The male kneels on the surface of intercourse so he’s sitting on his heels,” it begins. Ah yes, the ever-popular position of kneeling on the surface of the intercourse.
Heavy Petty
- At least two different Tom Petty tribute bands lay claim to this name, one from Lawrence, Kansas, and the other from Gainesville, Florida—Petty’s hometown—though the latter “is being shelved and the members are moving forward and working on different projects.”
- As of this writing, the group’s Facebook page has a sad nine likes. C’mon corpse-fuckers, show some enthusiasm!
Penises
- The band lists about 20 releases on its Bandcamp page—which it divides into “FAKESHIT” (digital only) and “REALSHIT” (CD-Rs)—many of them themed around Satan’s right to choose: Satan Gets An Abortion, My Satanic Dream Ended (featuring “The Phone Call That Impregnated Me With Satan’s Child,” “Satan Lied When He Said He Would Love Me In My Unholy Anus For All Eternity”), Satan’s Pregnant Again (“Jesus Masturbates In The Closet With The Viscous Tears Of Martyred Saints”), and Santa Gets An Abortion: The Original Soundtrack To “Black Mass In The Snow” (where Santa gets devoured by Satan via “The Ceremony Is Fulfilled As Santa Is Consumed By Satan In A Quick Bite” and “Santa Is Digested By Satan Over A Million Years”). There’s also a greatest hits collection, a Ted Haggard-themed album called The Last Temptation Of Ted Haggard, and a one-second song called “The Unauthorized Autobiography Of Satan’s Aborted Fetus.” Oh, and the band covers Simply Red’s “Holding Back The Years.”
- Just about all the song titles are winners: “Satan Wishes His Mother Would Shut The Fuck Up,” “I Castrate Satan In Post-Apocalyptic Florida,” “Theme From ‘Absolute Genocide,’” “Satan Uses Ebola-Flecked Anal Juice And Clear Sperm Runoff To Begin Baking A Cake,” and many more. Sensing a theme?
- Bio: “We are Flaccid Pickle, a life of crunchiness we will never know. Glory, Wisdom, Strength, Courage, and Honor!”
Genitals
- Songs: “Squirt Till It Hurts,” “My Load, Your Throat,” “Giant Tits/Swollen Clits,” “Innocent Till Proven Filthy,” “Discontinuation Of Hyperlactation.” Look for the new album Kissed By The Dead…Touched By The Deformed in May!
- Songs: “Vaginal Skin Grind Vomit,” “Sexual Experiences With Animals And My Mother’s Cadaver,” “My Father In Law Who Defecated Himself To Death.” The Genitals are Colombian, so their English lyrics go like this: “His hemorrhagic dengue is fermenting his guts” and “Intense diarrhea liters of shit gush / One bed with a big hole for his buffocks [sic].” (Those are, obviously, from the song about his father-in-law.)
- Songs: “Bowl Full Of Menstrual Blood,” “Bitch, Bitch, Bitch, Bitch!,” “Fuck That Bitch,” “Raping Is Justice-Raping Is Law.” These Germans probably have thoughts on the ethics of video-game journalism.
- Check out the group’s split with Necro Tampon, featuring songs like “Tampon Appetizer,” “Incest Contest,” “Exhumation Copulation,” and many more! Actually, don’t.
Fluids, bodily
BreastMilk
Piss Vortex
Necro Tampon
Fluids, bodily – puke
- Songs: “My Unique Motherfucking Fist,” “No Answers To Alcohol.”
- “Vomit Fist is blackened grindcore for your guts and face,” per Google.
- Songs: “Ass Hammer,” “Enter My Guts,” and “The Sacred Slut,” which isn’t about what you think: “Using Professor Lee Siegel’s recent raw translation of Kanha’s song, Bengal Blackie and the Sacred Slut, Vomit Fist offers an interpretation of the essential power and electric intensity demonstrated by the Buddhist Tantric Siddhas.”
- Pro tip: Don’t Google Image Search this one; just look for the group’s 2008 split with Sanguinary Nervous Spasm on Septic Aroma Of Reeking Stench records. If you’re looking for Hatefucked In A Hospital Dumpster, that’s on Utter Disgust Records.
Misc. anatomy
- Opening lines of “Bullshit”: “I’m calling out your bullshit / I’m calling out your bullshit, bitch.”
- “I’m not afraid of some blood,” opens “Period Fuck,” and you can guess where it goes from there. Check out the full-length Even The Flies Won’t Touch You (the title taken from “Heroin Whore”), available on Depravity Label (“NO RESPECT. NO MORALS. NO TRUST.”)
That’s pun-tertainment!
- “We only play when our flows are synced so you can sink into our flows with ease,” says its bio. Sadly, the band has since broken up.
Simply terrible
The Blessing Of This Curse
Love Crushed Velvet
- “Channeling emotional turmoil through muscular, post punk aggression, the band shows off exceptional emotional and stylistic range in an album that has been compared to the rock and roll equivalent of a James Bond film: worldly, muscular, fully cognizant of the danger that lies underneath its smooth veneer and unafraid to show what’s behind the veil—on its own terms.”
- It stands for “Forever Radical Edifying and Exalting,” but it makes sense for a Christian act looking to “reach the hearts of youth and young adults who do not have a relationship with Christ and to elevate those who desire a closer walk with Him and for all to dwell in a life that’s 4Ever Free!”
- “Eyes Like Cyanide stands at the crossroads of all things brutal,” begins the group’s bio. The Facebook page lists elcmusic.com for the band’s site, but that goes to the Eastlake Church’s music department: “People helping people find and follow Jesus by making loud noise.”
References to movies, TV shows, and books
They All Float
Ponyboy
- A pair of artists claim Ponyboy, one an Americana singer-songwriter from East Nashville, the other a Hong Kong-based emo band with amusingly named members: Sexy Pecs Sung, Dr. Emo Jimmy, Drunkard Dixon, and Metal Peter. Guess which one is influenced by “grotesque movies with epic dialogues, plastic toys, human morbidities, marine biodiversity, and wave particle duality”?
- “Two dudes, one is a professional fake book writer and the other is a leprechaun farmer who’s a gambler.” Not to be confused with the Chicago soul duo by the same name.
- Here’s a scene from American Psycho, overdubbed to look like Patrick Bateman is talking about Ice Nine Kills. Hilarious, guys!
- “Acoustic punk songs from the desert of Tucson, AZ about addiction, getting sober, and anarchism.”
Raiders Of The Lost Art
- Not to be confused with the Ovation series of the same name or the Gainesville-based “direct importers of the finest quality crystals and mineral specimens since 1985,” or the Iowa Dixieland jazz band that’s operated under that name for nearly 30 years. This is a Chicago quartet that just released a concept album about the world of 12,1980 A.D. and drugs or something.
Marvin Berry & The New Sound
Et Tu Brucé
McLovins
I Got Worms
- “New York’s preeminent Dumb And Dumber Original Motion Picture Soundtrack cover band,” per Brokelyn.
- DJ who specializes in something called “Night Bass,” which blends “elements of house music with the dirty basslines of UK garage and sprinkles of old-school rave synths and breaks.” If that doesn’t make any sense, try Soundcloud.
- Genre: “thoughtful pop.” Band Interests: “having a heart of gold, friendship.” Its song “Ball Lightning” is sadly not a Rocket From The Crypt cover (but it’s good).
References to other bands
- Bio: “Austin’s Texas Never Whispers is a southern, independent rock band made up of romantics. They just can’t help it.”
- This is like calling your band Free Beer and deceiving sensitive ’90s punks instead of frat boys. (Check out the group’s interview with Noisey.)
Celebrities
Black Cobain
Lindsay Lowend
Jeremy Irons & The Ratgang Malibus
- Bio: “It’s like finding an interstellar sound portal to a hidden space desert, that only can be seen and heard through a kaleidoscope, which is blessed by a spiritual shaman from Saturn.”
Doubting Thomas Cruise Control
Doprah
- “Genre: A sinister and evil cult which lures young people into drug-taking.”
- This logo makes it seem like Donald Duck (or Scrooge McDuck) reference, but doesn’t it sound more like Donald Trump? Or does it just work on that many levels?
- Bio: “Much like the product of a dove making love to a supernova, Tiny Danza has both rhythmic purity and tonal tenacity. On the evening of July 1st 2006 there was a horrible accident involving Tony Danza, a tiny dancer and a rogue particle accelerator. The result was five musicians with three things on their minds: Fast cars, Faster women and Revenge.”
Brat Pit
Jamz Franco
Olivia Neutron-John
xTom Hanx
- Posers From Space has 18 songs, most of them about 20 seconds long, like “You Gotta Come To My House, I’m Building A Fucking Robot” and “Van Halen, Not Van Hagar.” “I’d Clap, But I Have A Beer In Each Hand” clocks in at 40 seconds.
- Facebook post from March 25: “We have almost 10,000 plays on bandcamp…if I’m being honest, you guys are dumb for listening to our shitty songs that much.”
Brands
- Songs: “No Weed No Friends No Life,” “Butterface.”
When in doubt, add exclamation points!!!!!
- Song: “Good Job, Fat Dracula!”
Louisahhh!!!
Galapagos Now!
Diagnosis? Bastard!
- Bio: “Fast, spastic, screaming hardcore shite made by two Brits, one Swede and one Brazilian.”
Bitches, sluts, etc.
Couch Slut
The Slut Junkies
Sluts 4 Fun
SlutHammer
- Here’s a video for the self-explanatory “RoadHead”:
What hath you wrought, Nathan?
Historical figures
Antarctigo Vespucci
Eli Whitney And The Sound Machine
These names are very serious
To Set Ablaze
Dismembered Carnage
- There’s a highly entertaining nine-minute interview from last fall with guitarist Joey Marks and the group’s (now former) drummer Kyle Wallinger that’s a descendent of Heavy Metal Parking Lot. Marks offers this preview of the album they’re recording: “It’s a lot more evil, it’s a lot more death-metal-oriented, it’s a lot of fucking evil, satanic, fucking mind-fuckin’ rape stuff, man. It’s killer, dude. You’ll fuckin’ like it if you’re into old-school shit, unless you’re a fuckin’ poser, then you’re not gonna like it.” Deadpans Wallinger, “I don’t like it.”
- What’s on the new album? Marks is glad you asked: “We’re rerecording a lot of old songs that we like and a lot of fans like, ‘Walking Autopsy,’ ‘Curbstomped,’ ‘Horrid Sounds Of Pig Impalment,’ and everybody’s favorite, fuckin’ ‘Rape The Priest.’ And yeah, we got a lot of new shit, man. ‘Sacrilegious Mindfuck,’ ‘Consume The Flesh Of Christ,’ ‘Aborted In Blasphemy,’ one of my favorites, ‘Morbid Molestation,’ and, uh fuck, dude, some evil shit, some ‘Denial Of Christ’ and ‘Split Open The Pope.’”
Of Ardent Resolve
Agents Of Abhorrence
Martyr Defiled
Symphony Of Malice
NOLTTRS/SPCES
JPNSGRLS
Carcrashlander
Badbadnotgood
TWRK
RBTS WIN
Gay stuff
Nudity
- Bio: “Once upon a time a naked person hugged another naked person, and it was mutual, and it felt really really nice.”
- Facebook URL: facebook.com/AbsentGarments
No.
Loooooonnnnnngggggg
- Swedish for “funeral directors.”
Teen Girl Scientist Monthly
The Sounds That Machines Make
The Adventures Of The Silver Spaceman
A Place Both Wonderful And Strange
- Also seems to go by the name A Place Both Beautiful And Strange, which is a Twin Peaks reference.
Free Cake For Every Creature
Even The Dead Love A Parade
- From the bio: “As artists, music is a strong form of expression, which is why we jump at the chance to create in as many fascists [sic] as possible that help us express.”
- The group called it quits last month. RIP.
The Committee To Re-Elect John C. Calhoun
Spirits And The Melchizedek Children
- Genre, per Facebook: “SHOEGAZE DUALITY!!! Soft and sweet, Heavy and Brutal…EXPAND YOUR BODY AND MIND THOUGH MEANS of SELF DISCOVERY”
Music is counter-revolutionary, comrade
The Collected Works Of Lenin
Stalins Of Sound
- Last year’s Tank Tracks was released on a special day: “MAY 18 RELEASE DATE TO COINCIDE WITH THE ANNIVERSARY OF SHAWN NELSON’S TANK THEFT, RAMPAGING THROUGH THE STREETS OF SAN DIEGO ON MAY 18, 1995!”
Religious
Holy Esque
Pet The Preacher
The Virginmarys
- Bio: “In a world crying out for a band with substance, The Virginmarys could well prove to be the answer to all our prayers.” Kinda on the nose, no?
- Bio: “Dead In The Manger play music with the intention of leaving a feeling of unease and despondency.”
- “Blood trickles under / The softest embrace / You understand me like no one I know.” What’s the title of this sweet love song? “Suckling At The Teat Of A She-Beast.”
- Album: The Sun Of Moloch: The Sublimation Of Sulphur’s Essence Which Spawned Death And Life
Pontius Pilate Sales Pitch
Diet Jesus
Lucifers Limited Company LLC
Satan’s Revenge On Mankind
- Appearing on 2009’s Supreme Malicious Necro Terror: “Where Blood And Vomit Flow In Streams,” “Submit To Satan,” and, uh, “Support Your Local Butcher.” (Maybe the group’s members are locavores?) Check out its three-way split album (sorry, “3-Way Penetration”) with Cuntgrinder and Hymen Holocaust. You know, that’s the one that has “Suck Satan’s Goat Cock” on it.
_________ and __________
- From 2011’s Popeye-defying I Am Not What I Am: “They Should Greet Me With Howls Of Execration,” “And We Have Killed Him.”
Weird And Pissed Off
The Harpoonist & The Axe Murderer
King Gizzard And The Lizard Wizard
Cornelius Asperger And The Bi-Curious Unicorns
- Opening line of “If Only”: “If only I’d been born with a bigger dick.”
First person
- The band’s motto: “The death of god is the birth of human potential.” It has since gone on an indefinite hiatus, so maybe the death of I Am Heresy is the birth of its members’ potential.
I Woke Up Early For My Funeral
- What does that name mean? IWUEFMF’s Facebook page is straight from a dorm-room philosopher: “a saying, a motto, a creed to live by. We all travel different roads only to lead us to the same destination, a funeral. In life we are given a death sentence but how will we choose to live it?”
- It looks like this Chilean band—or per its bio, “una banda de rock independiente de Viña del Mar”—has since shortened its name to the much more generic The Place. What was Tenemos El Lugar Rodeado is now El Lugar. Qué vergüenza.
- Winner, Least Proportional Bio-Length-To-Musical-Output Ratio: This Swedish band has two EPs—for a total of eight songs—to its name, but has a preposterously long and hyperbolic biography. “We Met Tomorrow is the most unique, familiar, different and universally appealing band you have never heard of – yet – but that will be different, tomorrow!” Most unique yet familiar! Different yet universally appealing!
- More: “In the beginning there was no rhythm section which after a while made the trio feel that they lacked a little bit of punch.” Maybe that sounds less obvious in their native tongue?
- Yes, every band should strive to be Slayer. Oh wait, did you say slayers? Never mind.
- Winner, Band Name That Also Serves As Bio, though the group has since called it quits.
Directives
- The L.A. duo’s Schlep Rock mixtape should not be confused with Schleprock, the ’90s punk band from the Bay Area. Or the Pebbles And Bamm-Bamm Show character.
- This British group was “a band on the rocks” after the departure of its longtime vocalist and unsuccessful attempts to find a replacement. But once that got settled, its members developed “a strong creative dynamic, which has allowed us to write the album we have always wanted to write. Out of such adversity a phoenix as risen in the form of this full length.” Its title? Sex In The Seventh Circle.
Count This Penny
Hey Girl Slow Down
- It’s a W reference. Who knew?
This is what they call “not search-engine optimized”
Department of Portmanteaus
- This guy adds lyrics to songs from classic video games, like “Super Mario Land 2 With Lyrics.”
- “We are a progressive metal band. We think outside the box and do not adhere to the conventions of popular music.”
Animals
- Winner, Least Ominous Metal Song Title: “I Video Tape Your Diet”
Message To Bears
A Pony Named Olga
- What are this German band’s live performances like? “It’s a show you will want to crucify yourself if you miss,” says its bio.
Quaker City Night Hawks
Lazer/Wulf
- Band description: “To put it another way; imagine a giant trampoline rigged to explode. It’s fun for everybody, but likely to kill you at any moment.”
French For Rabbits
Flamingo Nosebleed
- “We hate hippies, emo/hardcore kids, and Oprah Winfrey. We like fast 3 chord punk rock.”
- “New York City’s finest Bike Core band”
- “We started after watching This Is Spinal Tap and this part of our bio is not a joke.”
Japanda
- The first Google result for this band is for something called furaffinity.net, described in its Twitter bio as “the world’s largest furry community with over 750,000 users!”
- Two artists claim the name: One is a band that describes itself as “Japanda is a banda with a planda and a garbage canda,” and the other is whatever this is:
- “Look, if you’re not calling with work, don’t call. We’ve got a lot on our minds, with negotiating international distribution deals, merchandise licensing, and trying to stay up-to-date on industry gossip. Plus we usually have headaches from all the effort we put into writing and rehearsing. Not to mention privacy concerns. Office hours are Tuesdays and Thursdays from 3PM to 6PM, unless we have another court date or counseling session. Best bet: leave a message. And try to make it more creative than just ‘you suck.’”
- “The only dino-zebra band that matters…” Album: The Shape Of Lunch To Come.
- From 2008’s Waves Of Human Suffering: “Stains Of Accountability,” “Anatomy Of Social Issues: Problem + Contribution Vs. Solution,” “Eradication Of The Seeds Of Purity,” “Devouring The Residual Bile.” To quote Jen Kirkman, Agenda Of Swine seems fun.
Massacres, slaughters, and more
- How many of these band logos can you make out? Logistic Slaughter’s in there somewhere—oh, found it! Top row, second from the right.
- Check out 2013’s Sorry We Haven’t Released Anything In 2013 Yet, We’ve Been Lazy. So We Put This Piece Of Shit E.P. Together. That was the follow-up to 2012’s This Machine Killed Woody Guthrie, which featured “I Think My Dentist Is Into S&M.”
- Check out Bringer Of Gore records for your Death Toll 80k needs.
Always with the funk
- He’s mortal enemies with Reverend Skathanks.
Xs or Zs
Classixx
The Doppelgangaz
Guitars N Bandanaz
Weather phenomena
Years Since The Storm
Hungry Cloud Darkening
Boom Said Thunder
Every Flavor Weather Machine
Cloud Becomes Your Hand
Cities
Vancouver Sleep Clinic
People’s Blues Of Richmond
The Brooklyn What
Planets & stuff
- “As the million billion suns die, they coalesce into one singular form of energy, before they explode into super nova. It is the vanishing point, where you and me don’t matter, but we do. And so do you. Yes You. We are all Dying Suns, sewn into the same fabric. Endlessly dying, constantly living, in the pattern of the infinite universe.”
Is it ugly?
Family members
- From last year’s 1-800-MATTERS: “Modern Art Is A Flyswatter On My Dick,” “SpaGetty Lee”
Sports
- It’s not just a catchy name: Frontwoman Kalyn Heffernan suffers from osteogenesis imperfecta and is confined to a wheelchair.
- From Minneapolis.
Fashion/clothes
Pants Velour
Breakfast In Fur
High Waisted
Misc.
Thug Entrancer
Sound Of A Smirk
Schwarz Dont Crack
Why Not Satellite
Hot Since 82
Minibus Pimps
Mime Game
- Bio: “From the depths of the heart to the tunes in your stereo, we just want to get wild.”
- Per the band’s bio, it’s pronounced “Kay-log-are,” a reference to “the law of Weber-Fechner, developed in the second half of the 800s, which is known as the fundamental psycho-physical relationship (S = K log R).” It sounds more like a band of dudes who work at a grocery chain, though that would be Krogr.
- Sadly the song “Overrated Kayak” isn’t available on its Bandcamp page.
Kissing Is A Crime
Energy Slime
Harpoon Forever
SuperHunk
Maybe The Welders
Surf Rock Is Dead
Fake Cops (Real Trouble)
- Inspired by Let’s Be Cops?
Rude Cab Driver
Theatre Of The Ugly
- Bio: “A desperate howling of maudlin balladry heard behind carnival tents—as if Thom Yorke and Tom Waits got drunk together and shared their nightmares.”
Angelface/Headcase
4 Aspirin Morning
Turbo Goth
- It’s a Paul F. Tompkins bit come to life!
- This name somehow feels grosser than Cuntgrinder.
- Also a type of tire offered by Surly Bikes.
- Find this band’s stuff on Splatterfuck Tapes, Shit Stain Records, Sonic Arse Tapes, Smell The Stench, Bringer Of Gore, TRASHFUCK Records, and, um, Rainbow Bridge.
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