Fifty Shades’ E.L. James is back on her bullshit with a new “erotic Cinderella story,” The Mister

Exciting news today in the world of horniness: Fifty Shades author E.L. James—whose ability to transform BDSM-adjacent Twilight fan-fiction into ludicrous mountains of slightly-sweaty dollar bills borders on alchemy—has announced her first original new novel since the publication of 50 Shades Of Grey back in 2011. James’ new book, The Mister, is out in April, and presumably concerns itself with a dark, mysterious figure of unquestionably erotic—but refreshing—power:

But we kid the characters of James’ new “erotic Cinderella story,” who are—no shitting you—named “Maxim Trevelyan” and “Alessia Demachi,” because “Anastasia Steele” was apparently a terrible fiction character name gateway drug. The Mister will launch simultaneously in trade paperbook and in digital and audio forms, and will make so much money that E.L. James will presumably be able to buy all of our names, and swap them out for stuff like “Drake Olympiad” and “Vanyssa Excelssitron” forevermore.