69-year-old man thwarted in attempt to change age to 49

Emile “Young God” Ratelband, the Tinder-scrolling, Trump-loving “positivity trainer” who launched a bid last month to legally change his age from 69 to 49, has been informed by an Amsterdam court that, sorry, he’s still 69. Ratelband, we imagine, was too crestfallen to utter the customary “nice.”

“Mr Ratelband is at liberty to feel 20 years younger than his real age and to act accordingly,” the judges said, per the BBC, but altering legal documents, they note, would have “undesirable legal and societal implications” that changing one’s name and gender wouldn’t.

They continued, “Rights and obligations are also attached to age… for example, the right to vote, the right to marry, the opportunity to drink alcohol and to drive a car.”

Last month, Ratelband claimed that he suffers from age discrimination, both economically and romantically, and argued that if transgender people can legally change their sex, he should be able to change his age. After all, a doctor told him he has the constitution of somebody “more than 20 years younger than himself.”

“When I’m on Tinder and it says I’m 69, I don’t get an answer,” he said. “When I’m 49, with the face I have, I will be in a luxurious position.”

The court added, “The court recognized that there was a trend in society for people to feel fit and healthy for longer, but did not regard that as a valid argument for amending a person’s date of birth.”

As The Washington Post reports, Ratelband plans on appealing the court’s ruling, so rest assured that this colossally stupid debate will roll on.