Facebook: It’s not just for hacking into Death Cab For Cutie’s page to post images of rim jobs. On Monday, more than one billion people logged on to the social networking site, meaning, for the first time ever, roughly one in seven human beings on this planet were on Facebook within a 24-hour period. That includes you, your parents, that weird Austrian art-school kid you met in a discotheque that one time, and—by now—probably half the cast of The Gods Must Be Crazy.
CEO and world’s most boring clotheshorse Mark Zuckerberg took to his creation to crow about the achievement, which took the form of a bland platitude that likely passed across four desks in Public Relations before being posted:
I’m so proud of our community for the progress we’ve made. Our community stands for giving every person a voice, for promoting understanding and for including everyone in the opportunities of our modern world.
A more open and connected world is a better world. It brings stronger relationships with those you love, a stronger economy with more opportunities, and a stronger society that reflects all of our values.
Indeed, perhaps this is the moment to reflect on the wonderful progress brought about by Facebook. It is, as he says, a community that stands for giving every person, even non-humans, a voice. It’s all about promoting understanding, especially if you’d like to understand how to feel sadder and less satisfied in life. And it definitely makes us all more open and connected, as long as those people share the same ideas and political beliefs as you. And if not, well, it’s still a wonderful way to be a much worse human being to other people than you would have been face to face.
So let’s enjoy the most unifying global socialization tool in human history, everybody. According to Princeton scientists, we’ve got two more years of baby pics and Willie Wonka memes to share until we all get bored and go see what’s streaming on our new Netflix wrist implants.