With Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ boasting a literal-minded return to scripture, The Onion A.V. Club looks at five past cinematic treatments of Jesus that veer wildly from Biblical texts, sometimes in spite of their best intentions.
King Of Kings (1961)
Incarnate In: Jeffrey Hunter
Appearance: Shaggy beatnik. He sports a patchy beard that's mostly goatee, and a shoulder-length bowl haircut parted down the middle. He also wears minimalist brown-and-gray V-neck robes with what looks to be a white T-shirt underneath. Very James Dean.
Mood: By turns placid and needling. He tends to stand stock-still while scolding His flock. The Sermon On The Mount has the dry efficiency of a PowerPoint presentation.
Interests/Goals: Healing, public speaking, party-pooping, walking quietly while Orson Welles narrates.
Who Gets Saved? Whosoever believes in Him, and whatnot.
Degree Of Holiness: 5 out of 10. He's undeniably righteous, but Hunter's Jesus is almost a cameo player in His own story, doing His own thing off to the side while the warmongering Barabbas, the earnest prophet John the Baptist, and the morally compromised politician Pontius Pilate all bandy about the fate of Jerusalem.
Phish Fan? Unlikely. This Christ is too sensitive and internally tortured. He'd be more likely to shout along to Dashboard Confessional.
Multiple Maniacs (1970)
Incarnate In: George Figgs
Appearance: Jesus appears to John Waters' favorite leading lady, Divine, in traditional robes 'n' beard garb.
Mood: Varies from blissful to agonized. He looks on happily as the masses feast on the canned tuna and Wonder Bread that He's created, but He looks tortured when preparing to face crucifixion.
Interests/Goals: Nothing unusual for Jesus.
Who Gets Saved? Unclear. Distracted in church by a mysterious woman who likes to use rosary beads as a "tool of erotic pleasure," Divine gets the Stations Of The Cross mixed up with the stages of her own tryst. (Although the woman is said to kiss "as if Christ Himself had ordered every move of her experienced tongue.")
Degree Of Holiness: 1 out of 10. A highly personal Jesus, He seems to approve of Divine's murderous criminal tendencies.
Phish Fan? Probably not, although He spits blood like Gene Simmons.
Jesus Christ Superstar (1973)
Incarnate In: Ted Neeley
Appearance: With his wispy goatee, bargain-bin Birkenstocks, and a robe that looks like a burlap sack with a rope tied around the waist, this Christ was the original dirty, smelly hippie. Probably hasn't bathed since baptism.
Mood: Mellow and groovy, beatific smile curled at the corners, clearly high.
Interests/Goals: Scolding moneychangers, curing lepers, healing the blind, spreading the word of God, chiding His frequently wayward apostles, scoring with groupies.
Who Gets Saved? Humanity. Also, the many blue-haired ladies bussed into the city looking for a good Broadway show.
Degree Of Holiness: 7 out of 10. Although this Jesus cares about His missions and goes through all the holy motions, He loses points for the "superstar" ego, which finds him flanked by babes and apostles and serenaded with palms. As one Pharisee sings, He's "a man who is bigger / than John was when John did his baptism thing." He used to be all about the salvation, man.
Phish fan? From the beginning, though some of His weak-willed followers (Judas!) fell away after the unsatisfying Round Room. Though He was a frequent lurker on the rec.music.phish newsgroup, some have accused Him of being a closet Andrew Lloyd Webber fan.
Godspell (1973)
Incarnate In: Victor Garber
Appearance: Wearing suspenders, rainbow-themed pants, a Superman T-shirt, a heart drawn on his forehead, eyeliner teardrops, and a tremendous Afro, He looks like a circus clown on an acid trip.
Mood: Giddy and tuneful. Fond of teaching his colorfully attired disciples with songs and improvised plays, He has the attitude of an enthused pre-school teacher. He doesn't seem to enjoy being crucified so much, however.
Interests/Goals: Always up for a good time, He likes to frolic in Central Park, dance through abandoned mansions, "read feet," and dig up cool costumes in the junkyard. Another interest: delivering sermons and saving the souls of everyone on earth.
Who Gets Saved? In theory, everyone, but especially the hippies remaining in early-'70s New York.
Degree Of Holiness: 10 out of 10. Mime-loving hippie or no, this is one righteous fellow.
Phish Fan? Are you kidding? This guy had Junta when it was cassette-only! He saw them at Goddard College Springfest in '85! He introduced them to The Dude Of Life back when Jeff Holdsworth was still playing with them!
Bad Lieutenant (1992)
Incarnate In: Paul Hipp
Appearance: Full beard, crown of thorns, loincloth, bleeding from stigmata. Classic.
Mood: Anguished, then stoic. When a nun is brutally gang-raped in a church, Christ screams from the cross, suffering from an undeniably whopping sin. Later, He silently bears witness to the whimpering cries of Harvey Keitel.
Interests/Goals: Not the most proactive Christ, though He is a good listener. Mainly, He trusts that the title character—a lapsed Catholic cop who engages in reckless behavior, including freebasing heroin and gambling on the Mets—can find his way to the light.
Degree Of Holiness: 9 out of 10. This Christ looks the part, and He keeps His composure through a torrent of verbal abuse ("You got something to say to me, you ratfuck?!") without ever seeming aloof. A true miracle worker, He can even appear in the guise of an elderly black woman.
Phish Fan? No. Though His beard looks a little scraggly on the cross, that could easily be attributed to second-day growth. And there's no room in the torn loincloth for bootlegs or peyote.