Distancing itself ever further from the onus of promoting the “arts”—whatever that means, right?—A&E has unveiled a fall slate of new programming that’s more dedicated than ever to finding work for increasingly marginalized celebrities, plus a great big fat person or two. Included in the lineup: Strange Days With Bob Saget, in which the former Full House star wanders the globe, less-witty-Anthony-Bourdain-style, immersing himself in unusual “cultures, practices, and occupations” while attempting to find someone who hasn’t yet heard his “the guys on Full House were totally gay” routine; Teach: Tony Danza, in which the actor teaches proper enunciation and elocution to a group of Philadelphia high school students, because of course; Growing Up Twisted, in which Dee Snider basically does the exact same thing as Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels, only louder and more self-aware; and the self-descriptive I’m Heavy, in which patients who suffer from eating disorders are given considered, sympathetic counseling by trained professionals behind closed doors and away from exploitative cameras.
Ha, just kidding, they’re run through a “six-month treatment” that will capture every binge-and-purge detail as their shocking eating habits are outlined in bold text over their blubbering faces, all while a mock-dramatic guitar riff hammers home the sadness. And then there’s the “Untitled David Hasselhoff Project” that will follow the “stage dad” as he attempts to launch a recording career for his already-privileged daughters so we can get the new Brooke Hogan we sorely need. And speaking of sorely needed, they'll also add a bunch of new police procedurals—including “plus-sized detective” show Big Mike, from Adam Sandler’s Happy Madison. This is what we get for turning Hoarders, Intervention, and Dog The Bounty Hunter into hits.