Co-written by Billy Bob Thornton collaborator Tom Epperson and first-time director Stefani Ames, the unpromisingly titled A Gun, A Car, A Blonde is the depressing story of a man paralyzed by spinal cancer (Jim Metzler); his only escape from agonizing pain comes when he fantasizes about being a hard-boiled detective in a Hollywood film noir. Portrayed in black-and-white, these fantasy sequences—which may or may not have been intended to be humorous—feature characters who parallel those in Metzler's own life, including his money-grubbing sister, her boyfriend (Thornton, apparently trying to disguise himself as John Ratzenberger beneath a bushy mustache), and the perpetually half-naked blonde who lives next door. While there's a grain of a good idea in A Gun, A Car, A Blonde, that doesn't stop the film from playing like the actors are reading the script for the first time, thanks in part to Ames' static direction. The black-and-white sequences don't especially resemble the material they attempt to mimic, and it doesn't help that the dialogue consists of lines like, "B.C. was right: You're looking for a needle in a 20-story haystack already full of dirty needles." John Ritter is along for the ride as an allegedly inspirational New Age enthusiast, but if A Gun, A Car, A Blonde is supposed to be inspirational, or even entertaining, it's as flaky and misguided as his character seems to be.