Bad movies can be torture to watch, but a blast to write about. Thankfully, the resulting pans can also be a lot of fun to read. Below, we’ve singled out every predominately negative review (that is, C- or lower) written by our resident film critic and master of the pan, Ignatiy Vishnevetsky, in 2017.
Slamma Jamma is a basketball movie by way of Ed Wood
Grade: D-
“Amazingly, Slamma Jamma was shot by Dean Cundey, the cinematographer of The Thing, Halloween, Jurassic Park, Back To The Future, and many other famous films, though not that you can tell; the lighting and camerawork suggest a random bozo with a clip reel of cooking infomercials and corporate training videos. It’s a lazy, crappy film, and perhaps even a cynical one, but its ineptitude is charming.”
James Franco has directed some bad movies, but none as boring as In Dubious Battle
Grade: D
“Every Franco personal project—from his unintelligible, low-budget adaptations of William Faulkner (As I Lay Dying, The Sound And The Fury) and Cormac McCarthy (Child Of God) to his novels and assorted experiments in self-fellatio—is born with a ‘Kick Me’ sign on its back, begging critics to punt it in the keister for making artistic ambition look lame. This one even comes with a freebie: It’s got ‘dubious’ right there in the title.”
The Shack dares to ask, “What if God were a character actor?”
Grade: D
“There’s a canoeing accident and ‘an old Indian legend’ involved—and other stuff that we’ll get to in time. But the whole film is a crime against narrative, so bungled that it might actually be the victim of sabotage.”
As Bruce Willis proves in Once Upon A Time In Venice, you can’t embarrass yourself if you don’t try
Grade: D
“Stylistically, Once Upon A Time In Venice is mostly indistinguishable from a middling TV pilot that never made it to series, which is impressive, given that it was shot by Amir Mokri, erstwhile cinematographer to Michael Bay and Zack Snyder.”
No one wins in the crappy suburban satire The House
Grade: D
“Whatever satirical intent the script might have (and it clearly has some) immediately surrenders to the lackadaisical, incoherent direction of Andrew Jay Cohen, a screenwriter (Neighbors, Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising) making his feature directing debut. The pace is hectic, but the jokes just aren’t there.”
The Underworld franchise keeps sucking in Blood Wars
Grade: D+
“Written by Cory Goodman (Priest, The Last Witch Hunter) and directed with sort-of-competence by the longtime Roland Emmerich associate Anna Foerster, the new, generically titled Underworld: Blood Wars is everything an entry in this notoriously interchangeable series is supposed to be, though anyone expecting it to be good has walked into the wrong theater.”
The Crash is a poor man’s financial thriller
Grade: D+
“If only The Crash were anything like a poor man’s Michael Mann movie. Bluntly obvious, indifferently organized, and unremittingly generic—a hodgepodge of airplane hangars, book-lined living rooms, and downtown street corners—it’s more like a poor man’s version of itself.”
A movie that pits Bruce Lee, Steve McQueen, and a Shaolin monk against gangsters shouldn’t be as boring as Birth Of The Dragon
Grade: D+
“The script (by Stephen J. Rivele and Christopher Wilkinson) is addicted to narrative banalities, killing time with subplots involving a local laundry business. The aura of cheap-o emptiness is overwhelming: Scenes tend to be visually featureless, composed against strangely empty walls or Vancouver street corners. Even the occasionally decent fight choreography looks unappealing.”