Accused chicken thief Mila Kunis denies thieving chicken

Still, Karo’s actual age is pretty difficult to ascertain from her online biography and the scattered interviews out there, so it’s a little unclear where Kunis and Kutcher are getting their information without Kunis personally knowing Karo—and, potentially, stealing her chicken when she was just a month old. “Like taking chicken from a baby,” as they say in Ukraine.

Nevertheless, the couple continues to poke holes in Karo’s story, suggesting it’s a little farfetched that a Ukrainian girl would give the beloved pet chicken she treats like a dog an English nickname. They also imply it’s suspicious that a person seeking viral fame would engineer a ridiculous story involving a celebrity around the same time they’re releasing a video. Kunis, who mockingly says she was “devastated” by the charges, adds that she hasn’t even been physically served with this alleged lawsuit yet—“but emotionally I feel served.” Though then she just laughs, a clear case for mistrial in emotion court.

In fact, Kunis says she’d like to file her own countersuit for having been duped, like so many others, into watching Karo’s music videos. “My body hurts. My eyes hurt—they’re burning. That requires money,” Kunis says. How much money, she never says. But presumably enough to distract California’s judges and litigators for months, allowing Kunis to creep into their yards and steal their chickens.

“I would never steal someone else’s chicken…. I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t,” Kunis protests too much. Kutcher—an arbiter of moral character who used to ruin people’s days for a TV show—backs her up, calling her “an ethical person that wouldn’t steal a chicken.” But of course, these are things a chicken thief would say. Lock up your chickens.