Yesterday, the world became aware of the most tragic story of aggressive annexation to ever come out of Ukraine: the tale of Mila Kunis, her ruthless theft of a chicken, and the conveniently timed heartbreak it caused for a would-be Internet pop star. But now Kunis has responded to the charges that she stole Kristina Karo’s pet chicken “Doggie” back when they were allegedly childhood friends, dismissing them as mere lies and exaggeration, much like any report from that region.
In a video posted to Meerkat by Meerkat investor and sole user Ashton Kutcher, Kunis and Kutcher demonstrate their love of all things chicken by squawking back and forth at each other from the coops of their mobile devices, seemingly aghast at the online hubbub surrounding Karo’s $5,000 lawsuit. “It’s shocking to me that news organizations—real journalists out there—that have fact-checked this story didn’t pick up on the fact that this girl was one month old and having a conversation with you!” Kutcher screeches, deriding the press for just running with the story without even questioning whether it was journalistically sound. Like Mila Kunis stealing a chicken is some sort of joke to them.
Still, Karo’s actual age is pretty difficult to ascertain from her online biography and the scattered interviews out there, so it’s a little unclear where Kunis and Kutcher are getting their information without Kunis personally knowing Karo—and, potentially, stealing her chicken when she was just a month old. “Like taking chicken from a baby,” as they say in Ukraine.
Nevertheless, the couple continues to poke holes in Karo’s story, suggesting it’s a little farfetched that a Ukrainian girl would give the beloved pet chicken she treats like a dog an English nickname. They also imply it’s suspicious that a person seeking viral fame would engineer a ridiculous story involving a celebrity around the same time they’re releasing a video. Kunis, who mockingly says she was “devastated” by the charges, adds that she hasn’t even been physically served with this alleged lawsuit yet—“but emotionally I feel served.” Though then she just laughs, a clear case for mistrial in emotion court.
In fact, Kunis says she’d like to file her own countersuit for having been duped, like so many others, into watching Karo’s music videos. “My body hurts. My eyes hurt—they’re burning. That requires money,” Kunis says. How much money, she never says. But presumably enough to distract California’s judges and litigators for months, allowing Kunis to creep into their yards and steal their chickens.
“I would never steal someone else’s chicken…. I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t,” Kunis protests too much. Kutcher—an arbiter of moral character who used to ruin people’s days for a TV show—backs her up, calling her “an ethical person that wouldn’t steal a chicken.” But of course, these are things a chicken thief would say. Lock up your chickens.