Not to be outdone by the makers of Man Of Steel: Zero Dark Metropolis, who recently announced that giant dweeb Jesse Eisenberg will be playing Lex Freakin’ Luthor, the people in charge of Star Wars Episode VII: An Even Newer Hope have apparently selected an even less intimidating guy to play their new heavy. The Hollywood Reporter has informed a world of soon-to-be-ranting fans that Adam Driver is very close to being cast as the villain in J.J. Abrams’ upcoming voyage to a galaxy far, far away. That’s right: The bohemian boyfriend from Girls will soon be donning a black robe, swinging a lightsaber, and ignoring Princess Leia’s text messages. And here we thought only George Lucas could screw up Star Wars!
To be fair, Driver is a fine actor, and his Girls character is kind of the Darth Vader of terrible TV boyfriends, complete with a baritone almost deep enough to be described as “James Earl Jonesian.” Furthermore, nothing has been said about what kind of bad guy he’ll be playing; maybe this phantom menace won’t be a Sith lord at all, but one of those corporate slimeballs who tend to occupy the third-tier villain slot in comic-book movies. (Call it the “Christopher Walken role,” after the white-haired asshole Walken played in Batman Returns.) At this point, almost all details about Star Wars VII are vague at best, so nothing should be assumed about Driver’s character other than the fact that he’ll probably be pro-Sith and anti-shirt. While we all wait on bated breath for more news about a movie that doesn’t open for almost two years, can someone please record a Star Wars-themed parody of “Please Mr. Kennedy,” featuring lyrics pleading with J.J. Abrams not to shoot Adam Driver into outer space?