Agatha All Along hits the road

It’s only episode three of Agatha All Along, but we’ve already arrived at the coven’s first trial. As “Through Many Miles Of Tricks And Trials” opens, Agatha, Teen, Lilia, Alice, Sharon, and Jen emerge on the Witches’ Road. The set is practical, not CGI, and it’s pretty impressive. The crew built it to be modular, so they could move around the trees and scenery at will to make it look different as the coven travels further down the Road. Visually, it’s a delight. Perpetually dusk but full of rich colors and textures, it sets a perfectly spooky and foreboding tone, worthy of being the series’ main visual metaphor.  

After Sharon wanders off and the ground starts to suck her in like quicksand, Agatha lays out the most important rule: don’t step off the Road. Since Agatha is the only one who’s traveled the Road before, the group wants more information: What can they expect along the way? “The Road will test us and our knowledge of the craft,” Agatha replies. “One trial for each skill.”

As many of you correctly pointed out in my recap of the first two episodes, I was mistaken about the number of episodes in the series: There are nine in total, not six. That makes the overall structure of the series a little less obvious to me. If each of the five witches, excluding Teen, gets an episode and trial tailored to their specific talents, that means we’ll still have two episodes left and more time for a conventional Marvel ending with a big, effects-heavy battle.

Before they set off in earnest, Jen has some more questions. “How do we pass [the trials] without any power?” she asks. It’s a fair concern: Wanda stole Agatha’s power, and Jen is currently bound and unable to access hers. Alice has never performed magic before, Sharon’s not even a witch, and it’s quickly becoming clear that whatever is plaguing Lilia is pretty serious. As a group, they are extremely underpowered for the challenges they’re about to face. Teen quickly points out, though, that even if they’re lacking in raw power, they’re not under-leveled. They have the experience necessary to take on these boss fights; they just need to be clever about it. “Witchcraft, emphasis on the ‘craft,’” he says.

Jen, however, is not about to be sassed/pep-talked by some random teenager, so she replies, “Again, who are you?” “I’m [name distorts],” Teen responds as the whole coven’s jaws collectively drop. Looks like the (black) cat is out of the bag. We get a quick info dump on what’s affecting Teen: Someone has placed a sigil on him, a type of spell that hides him from other witches. Teen has no idea who would have done that or why. The rest of the coven is immediately suspicious of Agatha, but she cunningly redirects their concerns toward reaching the end of the Road. To do that, they need to face the trials, and it seems like the first one has something to do with the gorgeous beach house that has just appeared in front of them. The quiet-loud luxury vibes of the house, coupled with her earlier protestations, hint that this is Jen’s trial. 

As they approach the house, Teen observes that the front door is marked by the full moon. Astrology experts, it’s your time to shine: A quick search tells me that the full moon is associated with healing, but I’m sure there’s plenty of nuance I’m missing. 

The group undergoes a transformation as they enter the house. Their clothes and makeup change from their individual signature styles to those of off-duty celebrities, all whites and creams and you-can’t-sit-with-us attitudes. “I look like one of my customers,” Jen says, making a face in the mirror. “It’s Huge Tiny Lies everywhere,” Lilia comments, alluding to this episode’s main homage, Big Little Lies. There’s a bit of Nancy Meyers pastiche thrown in too. (The house is also reminiscent of Diane Keaton’s ultra-luxe Hamptons escape in Something’s Gotta Give.) Agatha All Along doesn’t take the opportunity for social critique, though, and focuses solely on Jen’s insecurities as the trial gets underway. Like in WandaVision, the homages are fun but they’re also shallow. Rather than integrating the setting into the story, it just lays on top like an Instagram filter.

Inside, they find a note with a riddle they have to solve: “My age has value. I’m no fun alone. I mess with your mind; my tricks are well-known.” Sharon exclaims, “Wine!” when she sees a few bottles on the dining table, and wouldn’t you know it, that’s the answer to the riddle, too. They all need to drink the wine, and Jen correctly guesses that it’s poisoned. She needs to brew an antidote within 30 minutes or the poison will kill them (except for Teen, because he’s underage and not technically part of the coven). 

Before they crack open the bottles, Jen pulls Teen aside and warns him that he should be careful around Agatha. She’s clearly not actually concerned about him and is more interested in stirring the proverbial pot (or cauldron). Teen tries to brush her off, but she drops a bomb that shakes even his fanboy faith in Agatha: She says there’s a rumor about Agatha, that she traded her own son for The Book Of The Damned. No one knows what happened to him. Maybe he’s dead; maybe he’s a demon or working for Mephisto. “I doubt she’d even recognize her own son if he showed up at her doorstep,” she concludes, with all the subtlety of a Las Vegas casino sign. Coupled with the earlier conversation about Teen’s sigil, it’s such an obvious clue that it has to be a misdirect. I was suspicious of Agatha in the beginning and was pleasantly surprised by the end of the first episode, so I’m purposefully giving the show the benefit of the doubt this time. I don’t think they’ll pull off anything truly surprising—like everyone else, my money is on Teen being Wanda’s son, Billy, a.k.a. Wiccan—but I really doubt he’s Agatha’s son.

Sharon is the first to dive into the wine, seemingly unconcerned about the poison. Or maybe she still doesn’t fully understand the life-or-death stakes they’re facing. Or, perhaps most likely, she absolutely knows how much danger they’re in and is trying to block it out. Maybe that’s why she goes back for a second class so quickly. Agatha tries to get away with not drinking, but Teen discovers her still-full glass and threatens to drink it instead. From the way she reacts so quickly to stop him, she clearly has some sort of protective instinct toward him even if she pretends she doesn’t. Is this more evidence of him being Agatha’s son or more misdirection?

After Sharon’s face swells into a black-market Botox nightmare, Jen identifies the poison: Alewife’s Revenge. For the antidote, she’ll need frankincense, a corpse that’s been decaying for 30 million years, the gut of a eusocial insect, and eye of newt. The others set off to look for the ingredients as the poison sets in, and the symptoms start coming on fast. They experience hallucinations: Sharon has a flashback to being under Wanda’s control, Alice sees her mother, Jen feels a man trying to drown her in the sink, Lilia sees a young girl speaking Italian, and Agatha hears a baby crying. When she goes to investigate the baby’s crib, she sees The Book Of The Damned nestled in the sheets instead.

Once they’ve gathered all of the ingredients, Jen has a moment of doubt as she’s brewing the potion. This time, it’s Agatha’s turn to give the pep talk. “I have always hated you,” Agatha says. “But I left you alone, because what you were doing was important. Not this Kale Kare crap, the real work. They can take your power, Jen, but they can’t take your knowledge.” It’s a good speech, as far as we’re-about-to-die-if-you-don’t-get-your-shit-together talks go, but it rings hollow because we don’t know what that real work is. We don’t get any more details about Agatha and Jen’s relationship, like how long they’ve known each other or why they hate each other. That’s information we need if we want to really understand where Jen is coming from, but even in an episode dedicated to her and her power, Jen’s story remains frustratingly opaque. 

It doesn’t feel earned when Jen gets the potion right, but they all drink it at the last second. Since Sharon was the first to drink the wine, she’s already unconscious by the time they’re done with the antidote. They try to pour it down her throat, but it doesn’t seem to have an effect. There’s no time to deal with that, though, because now that they’ve completed the trial, the house is rapidly filling with water. It’s time for a quick exit through the oven, which has conveniently turned into a slide that leads back to the Road. They shove Sharon down and then hop in one by one. As they brush themselves off at the bottom, Teen delivers some bad news: Sharon’s dead. One trial down, one member down. If the trend continues, there won’t be anyone left standing by the time they reach the end of the Road–except, perhaps, Teen. 

Stray observations

• • Of course Sharon is a stationery nerd. R.I.P., Mrs. Hart. I’ll miss your daffy, loyal-Christmas-Tree-Shops-customer energy.
• • Teen, upon seeing the beach house: “It’s giving middle-aged second-chance-at-love vibes, and I’m here for it.” 
• • The girl Lilia sees asks her, in Italian, “Do you want to see?” Later, Lilia screams, also in Italian, “She’s dead. They’re all dead.”
• • A corpse that’s been decaying for 30 million years turns out to be petroleum; the gut of a eusocial insect is honey; and eye of newt is just a fun name for mustard seed.
• • Using a sous vide to boil a potion is exactly the right amount of bougie for this episode.
• • Interesting line from Teen, talking to Alice about how her mom forced her to get a tattoo of a symbol that wards off curses when she was 13: “A lot happened to me at 13 too.”