Well, I don't want to say I told you so, so I'll just say I predicted the outcome of tonight's episode last night before the eliminated singer even opened his or her mouth.
Tonight's results show felt extremely long for some reason, despite the fact that I am so used to some of this nonsense that I felt much less shocked and appalled by the ridiculous introductory tie-in to Clash of the Titans than I should have been. I even kind of laughed at Simon appearing after the order of "Release the Kraken!" But seriously, American Idol contestants are a lot like Perseus if you just think about it for a goddamn second.
I've changed my opinion on Ryan Seacrest. I don't think he's evil, but think he might be on drugs. How else to describe the way he blatantly described last night's episode as "a great show"? He could have just called it a show. It did brighten my spirits to see Ruben Studdard perform, however. Musically he's never been one of my favorite Idols but the big guy looks pretty good: he's a vegan now, which means his daily tall stack of pancakes is made with soy milk, thank you very much (I stole that joke from Leonard). He does seem to have a lot more energy onstage than he used to, and he's much more of a chatterbox as well. After seeing him perform, Ryan thought "Big black guy + big black guy = TV history" and made Michael Lynche get up and stand next to Ruben (Ruben is still bigger. And cooler, too.)
But then we were back to the shit. The Ford music video this week was not a good one. Everybody was kung fu fighting to "Kung Fu Fighting" and then Mike ran into a car door. Maybe it as all an allusion to the inadequacies of Asian vehicle brands?
Things dragged on as Ryan spoke with all the contestants. Lee was back to his mumbly stumbly self as he explained how last night felt for him. If he's that way as a paint salesperson, all the walls in Mount Prospect are probably still white. Ryan continued to be…off…as he tried to banter with Simon about how Aaron can figure out how to sing about love despite only being 16. Simon seemed legitimately irritated. I don't think Simey minded the "You're gay!" "No you're gay!" rapport from seasons past but with Ryan trying to get Simon to justify his decisions and comments, Simon looks like he's about to take Ryan over his knee and give him an unerotic spanking. "I know who Simon's in love with! Himself!" Kara proudly added and I wish everyone in the theater had just turned to her simultaneously and said "SHUT UP KARA."
Then Justin Bieber, who to me resembles a marsupial who has been born but hasn't spent its required time in the pouch, discussed how Usher helped "shape who I am as an artist." OK there, jellybean. Incredibly wealthy jellybean.
Usher performed "OMG" with an appearance by Will.i.Am and I thought it was a good performance. I don't think I'll be downloading the song anytime soon but Ursher's a pro. He can sing, he can dance, he doesn't make me wonder why I'm watching him perform. I don't think his Gaga-meets-A Clockwork Orange outfit was so great but he pulled it off.
Back to the contestants. Ryan sent Didi down to the bottom three with Katie. He psyched out Mike by saying "This is surprising…you are safe." Mike picked Ryan up and tossed him around like a little doll, which I think both excited and frightened Ryan. After some cuddle time with Andrew, Tim also got sent down to the bottom three. I thought for sure that Tim would be sent right back but in a strange occurrence of justice, Tim and Didi made up the bottom two.
We got yet another performance, this time from Diddy & Dirty Money doing the song "Hello, Good Morning," which looked and sounded like a rather weak version of something Kanye West would have done several years ago. The strobe lights looked neat though on my big TV (I did not turn off the lights however per his instructions—you are not the boss of me, Diddy!)
OK, let's get to it. Didi was the singer in danger of elimination and sang "Rhiannon" again. While she was a lot better than last night, I think it was pretty clear she wasn't going to get the save. The judges are only going to pull that out for Siobhan, Mike, Lee, Crystal, maybe Casey.
So Didi left us, not giving Ryan the satisfaction of telling him why she was crying so much the other night, which to me is the way to go.
Next week, the Lennon/McCartney songbook. Cast your bets as to who takes on what. I'll say, oh, Mike does "Lady Madonna," Aaron does "Let it Be", Crystal does "Come Together," Siobhan takes "Revolution," Katie does "Yesterday," and Tim "The Long and Winding Road," Casey "She's a Woman" and Lee "Hey Jude."
—I usually resign myself to remakes of movies but I feel like a piece of my childhood is being taken away and scrubbed with steel wool with this new Clash of the Titans. The movie is supposed to be scary with its bad but kind of good special effects. It is not supposed to "also be available in 2-D."
—If you want to see a creepy special moment between Ryan and Justin Bieber, go here.