Hi again, Idol-watchers! I always feel bad about having to recap the results shows, because the performance nights always give me plenty to talk about, while the Wednesday night show is 30 seconds of actual worthwhile material and 59:30 of padding. But we all have a job to do in life; mine is to figure out something to say about a show that by all rights should consist of two words, and yours is to mock me for doing so.
Tonight we've got the possibility of the save, which makes things at least potentially interesting. Also interesting: Ellen Degeneres' Palestine-chic outfit. Not quite as interesting: the 11 remaining contestants singing "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham!. Claire is given to speculation that this segment of the results show is lip-synched, but I always figure if it was dubbed, it wouldn't suck so bad. It does give us a glimpse at Siobhan Magnus' outfit, which I'm pretty sure her mom bought in 1984 and handed down to her entirely intact.
This week's Ford Music video shoot was…you know what? Fuck you, Ford, buy your own advertising.
Fun family moment of the night: Katie's dad goes and gets loaded when she's up for the boot. Big Mike talks about his baby, and Siobhan gives an extremely incoherent answer to one of Ryan Toothpaste's questions. All this leads up to Paige and Tim getting kicked into the bottom three, in a rare case of me being right about something. Sorry, those of you who just lost a lot of money.
Coach Miley comes out to sing a song, which isn't so bad until she starts having some kind of seizure on stage. To avoid having to look at it, I notice that the Idol stage band's lead guitarist — or does Miley bring her own axeman? — seems to be playing a BC Rich Deceiver guitar. That seems like an odd choice, and then I remember that I'm out of Vicodin. The big surprise of the voting is that Katie slides down to the bottom three, over the increasingly talentless Andrew Garcia, but it's just a fake-out; she's on the stool for half a second before she gets pulled back into the Top Ten. (No one really seems to be, but if you're on the fence about whether this year's Idol contestants are a weak crop, consider that this means the summer tour will feature utter nonentity Didi Benami.)
Then there is Demi Lovato and some Jonas brother or another. I think this song is probably about Jesus.
Anyway, the endgame is that Paige Miles gets the boot, and unsurprisingly, the judges do not choose to exercise a save on her. This means that Tim Urban, who wasn't even supposed to be on the show and who has the singing chops of plywood, heads out to the tour grind, but I can't say I'm all that sorry to see her go, because she never really showed the potential she seemed to have early on. Adieu, Paige, and so long, suckers — Claire returns next week, and you'll say please and thank you.
Rating: B-
Stray Observations:
– Did we ever find out what was in Casey James' Eerie Box of Mystery? I feel a little betrayed.