I was worried that I'd be emotionally wiped out after watching the finale of America's Next Top Model but even for a mediocre results show tonight's Idol results were kind of exciting to wait for.
The episode opened with a plug from the stars of the latest Night at the Museum movie, which was mildly amusing as they announced that the judges' desk would be placed in the Smithsonian, but mostly I was just glad that this movie tie-in wasn't nearly as horrific as last season's visit to the Love Guru. I hate even thinking about that.
Danny, Kris and Adam did get to do another Ford commercial, this one to "Break My Stride" (a song I secretly like) and the guys turned into comic book characters in order to increase their driving pleasure. Most interesting to me was how it sounded like none of the three contestants were singing the song,
Since we didn't get “Idol Gives Back” this season, last night we saw footage of Carrie Underwood giving out medicated nets to people in Angola and tonight Alicia Keyes requested that everyone text for charity, but I was distracted by the people shouting in the studio and the woman who randomly walked on and then off the stage while Alicia was talking. She then introduced a Rwandan kid named Noah who sang and danced. I didn’t know who Noah is, but he reminded me a little bit of the kid from Role Models, only with less cursing.
Before we got the actual big news, Ryan called the contestants onstage one by one so we could see their trips home. It's fun to see these clips of the guys getting overwhelmed by their adoring local fans, even though the footage is kind of interchangeable from singer to singer. Danny had the funniest signs held up for him, though: "Danny This Cougar Loves U!" "Incredible Danny Outsings Lambert" and "Scream On." In Milwaukee Danny was reunited with his buddy Jamar ("we just held each other"), poked at a face of Simon on a local weatherman's map, and made the day of a screaming, cute little cheerleader. I never realized that holding your hands in the shape of a heart was Danny's "thing" though and it annoyed me for some reason, probably because I hate love.
Kris went home to Conway Arkansas, where the turnout had one less person of color than it did for Danny (who was Jamar). Kris was pleased to learn that his favorite restaurant would offer him free cheese dip for life, and then he mistakenly told the wrong caller at a radio station that she won something. "I ain't kissin' you, man," Kris' dad proclaimed, which was weird, since he's obviously not an emotional robot because then he proceeded to cry during the rest of the clip. I thought it was cute though when Kris said, "Don't cry, mama" to his mom. Kris rode in the parade with his wife, who is very pretty, and who I bet probably hasn't forgiven Simon for advising Kris to tone down any mention of her existence.
Jordin Sparks sang her new song "Battlefield," and she seemed to try to channel Kanye West's "Robocop" and some of Beyonce's moves and looks. She wore a black studded dress which on some parts of her body looked amazing and on others looked just wrong but more importantly, the rock ballad was forgettable, despite the really bad fake lightning graphic going on behind her and Jordin's dramatic facial pose after the song ended. Her legs were really shiny though.
Adam Lambert went home to San Diego where the lady reporters all decided they were his fag hags, jumping up and down and asking him to do their makeup. Adam visited his old theater group and did a concert where a chick rushed the stage. Adam laughed it off but seemed overwhelmed about it afterwards. Again, he seems like a really gracious guy. My favorite part was when he sang the National Anthem, holding back, appropriately, but still belting it out ably.
Danny complained about not getting to the results, but then Adam yelled "I wanna see Katy Perry!" Obviously: Katy is an Adam fan, wearing his name emblazoned on the cape of her slutty Elvis outfit (are you even surprised?) Her tune was "Waking Up in Vegas" and not even her obnoxious Linda Perry singing style or the showgirls could spice up the song, which isn't nearly as catchy as that other song of hers I won't mention for fear of getting it stuck in my head for the next three days.
Finally! It was time to figure out who the finalists are and I admit I got a little excited. We knew that "just" one million votes separated the top two, whatever that means, but good news, those of you who picked up and dialed for Kris last night—he's in! He looked shocked and happy, Simon smiled, Paula was agog and Kara looked amazed.
Ryan announced that Danny had never been in the bottom three, which was when I thought "OK, well it'll be Adam then…OR WILL IT?" For just a second I wasn't sure and then we found out that, naturally, Adam was in the finale with Kris. Danny, of course, paid tribute to the DW, and we saw a flashback to when he had purple in his hair, and he gave us a neat little summary of his life: tragedy + triumph=fairy tale.
Simon wrapped it all up for us, saying that nobody would have expected these results, but that next week could be a "big ding-dong." Snort. "It means good," Simon explained. Well, duh.
Grade: B
Stray observations:
—Idol fans be sick of women. The last two seasons the finales featured two dudes.
—I spotted Kevin Bacon in the audience—which other famous people were there?
—I feel like my mom when I complain about this but really, a standing ovation for Alicia Keyes? She wasn’t even singing!