Shouldn't these teeny tiny modelites, these scrappy lil' model nuggets, these wisps o' mini-models be halfway around the world in some foreign capital that isn't known at all for fashion, but that Bankable Productions will pretend is essential to all fashion, by now? Copenhagen, perhaps? Or maybe Montevideo? What will it be this year? Reykjavík? Doesn't Tyra know the girls are so itty bitty she could probably just put them in a couple of large dog carriers and shove them into the cargo hold of a plane? Bankable wouldn't even have to pay for real plane tickets! That's the advantage of mini-models!
But I digress. The girls are not abroad yet. Which means that this very special episode of ANTM: Petite missed out on some huge potential for comedy because tonight, for the first time in their lives, the girls were taught how to talk! For so long these lil' model nuggets were mere heads in jars who communicated by blowing bubbles in their soaking fluid. "Glug, glug, glug," they'd gurgle, mere inches away from Tyra's massive perch at the edge of the abyss. For Tyra, the sound of the tiny model heads in jars gurgling was the hypnotic, soothing white noise she needed to fall asleep. But one night, Tyra had a thought (she has one per year): "Hmm. If these mini-models could speak, then they could laugh and scream and praise me, Tyra Banks, slug-like creature that lives on a perch at the edge of the abyss. Also, I could sell them to Cover Girl."
And so tonight the miniscule models were taught how to use their dwarf larynxes and hilarious munchkin voices by a panel of talking experts including the stale-coffee-voiced star of The Insider, Lara Spencer, Mario Cantone's stunt double, Ant, and Anne Shoket (who offered to teach the girls how to speak her native language, prairiedog, but was summarily denied). The best part of this little exercise? When Lara Spencer said, "Bye, Ant!" and bade the tiny models follow her like a line of fluffy little ducklings behind their surrogate honking goose mother to the set of The Insider. Ha. Sorry, Ant. But you can't go where they're going: a nightmare tabloid show that looks like the inside of a melting pinball machine. When you are too much of a has-been to even get on the set of the Insider, you are a past-perfect has-had-been. Poor Ant. Good thing he disintegrated into a pile of hair gel flakes moments after the girls left.
Next, the girls were forced to sit on a perch (shout-out to Tyra) and interview some Canadian chick from the new 90210 that no one watches. Exciting. Even though each one of those itty bitty girls is a bigger CW star than the 90210 chick, the girls seemed nervous. Probably because they had to read. And, uh, think? On their feet? (Which they just recieved 2 episodes ago!) With words? (That they just learned that day!) Only poor Cornpone Laura had a legitimate excuse for struggling: Dyslexia. Still, Wonk-eye and Albino Mena Suvari did pretty well at the having a conversation with another human being while sitting on a perch inside of a melting pinball machine while being watched by a prairiedog challenge. In the end, Erin won.
FYI: Did you know that Erin thinks she has the personality that girls can relate to most? What personality is that? A combination of Albino Mena Suvari and general poutiness. You know, a relatable personality.
After staying up all night to write a sentence, seriously one sentence, about Cover Girl Exact Eyelights Eye Blast Exactitude Collection, the teeny tiny girls screamed some adorable little screams when they went to the Cover Girl commercial shoot, because, OMG WindTunnelFace Teyona was there! And who was the director? Noted photographer Nigel Barker! Who they see every week! A number of the mini-models screamed their tiny screams so hard they developed the smallest, most petite nodules on their vocal cords.
Then the girls were dropped into a bright white void and told to sell, sell, sell Cover Girl if they hoped to make it out alive. Their performances were as follows: Wonk Eye: "natural" aka "lots of disconcerting head movements;" Sundai: hilarious, clearly not taking it seriously at all; Cornpone Laura: a lil' stumbly but full o' grits; Brittany: robotic, which fits her "math" personality really well actually, Tyra; Bloody Eyeball: Pretty normal, well, normal for a commercial; Rae (aka albino Laura Prepon): st-st-stuttery and awkward; and Albino Mena Suvari: angry, but she had the best ending, "From easy breezy beautiful Cover Girl [SNIFF]."
In the end, Albino Mena Suvari was spared because, well, she's the only bitch they've got left. Albino Laura Prepon went home because she talked about her daughter in the beginning of the episode, and there's only room for one albino.
Stray Observations:
—"So, have you had kids yourself?" Can Bloody Eyeball have a job on The Insider please? She'll only ask that question. It's the perfect question.
—"If she's not going to listen, I can't help her." Good one, Nigel.
—I love it when Tyra asks completely unanswerable questions, like, "What is your personality?" "Uh, Math?"
—Kim Kardashian gets to evaluate who has personality in front of a moving camera? I'm pretty sure she's only qualified to judge plastic.
—Rumor Alert! I'm beginning to think TV funnyman Ant is gay!