Tonight, Tyra Banks will shrug her shoulders from her perch at the edge of the abyss and halfway around the world a young child in Madagascar will be overcome with a bout of heaving uncontrollable sobs, the force of which will be so great he will fall to his knees, tears leaking down his face, until the great wave of sadness finally, mercifully passes (at around 9pm EST). Yes, it's that time again, time for Tyra to nod her impossibly teased hair in the direction of one shivering, frightened popsicle-stick-person and say, "You'll do." It's time for the America's Next Top Model cycle/season finale. And Genevieve Koski and I will be liveblogging it here starting at 8pm EST, complete with casual mentions of Olympia Dukakis, and polls. (So many polls to participate in! It's just what your great, great, great grandparents dreamed for their progeny when they came to this country so many years ago.)
Is there any way the winner isn't going to be Teyona? (I'll answer that one right now: no). Will there be foreshadowing to Paulina's firing? Will we be able to see flashes of contempt in Tyra's eyes (flash contempt with your eyes!) when she looks at Paulina? How matted will the collection of rags sewn to Allison's scalp look by the final runway show? Will the girls be forced to walk on a catwalk made from Brazil nuts and the girl from Ipanema's discarded ruffle pants in honor of Brazil? Will Nigel Barker morph into a noted antelope? Is this the most dull season of ANTM yet? Some of these questions and more will be answered tonight starting at 8pm EST.
Whatever you do, don't watch three girls struggle to say "New Cover Girl Hip Slicks Lipstick With Peppermint Oil For Whiter Teeth" by yourself. Join us!
Things We Learned From Tonight's Season Finale:
1. Wind-tunnel face trumps Lemur Barbie face, but only because Tyra coined the former.
2. If Tyra spotted you, and can thus claim responsibility for your existence, you win.
3. To be a designer in Brazil, you must have at least one burlap bikini and one tub of grease paint in your collection.
4. Argue against Tyra's favorite, and you'll get fired. (Poor Paulina.)
5. Magic Markers are now being sold as lipstick.
6. At the edge of the abyss, there is no logic.