"Take my photo, Tyra!" "Take my photo, Tyra!" It's the phrase that Tyra hears whenever a breeze blows through the forest of the screaming model wannabes near Tyra's perch at the edge of the abyss. That's what she hears, but that's not what they're saying. "Shoot me, Tyra! Please shoot me!" Is what they're actually crying out to her ego-stuffed ears. But Tyra just doesn't get it: She thinks they're asking for her to slither over and take their photos, when really all they want is to be released from the Cover Girl Lash Blast Length Expressions Flex-Fibers that bind them to the trees in the forest of the screaming model wannabes in the Bankable Productions Swamp. They just want to be put out of their misery.
Oh, but their misery (and ours) is just beginning. Tonight, the huddle of height-hobbled models were driven to a Walmart parking lot in the middle of the night and greeted by Mr. Clean's younger brother, Mr. Noted Fashion Photographer, Nigel Barker, and his wife Crissy The Cardboard Cut-out. And can we just pause here for a moment to appreciate the incredibly leaden quality of Mrs. Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barker? She is an excellent shill-bot, really, a very advanced prototype. She rattled off that nonsensical list of the properties of Cover Girl's Lash Blast Magic-Time Mascara, and its flexing powers of eye-lash bending, and how much Walmart can save you and your family without even taking a breath. Or blinking. Nigel must be really proud.
But I digress. So the mini-model mass was loosed throughout the empty Walmart to wreak havoc with their tiny little hands and miniscule little feet, throwing on clothes and shoes and cheap makeup. Basically it was like watching an elf stampede. Well, an elf stampede that had no point. Erin, aka Martha Washington, aka Albino Mena Suvari pushed a few girls (who totally deserved it, let's be honest) out of the way to make it to the finish line, but in the end it was Sundai, aka Black Kelly Ripa, who won. Why? A lot of blush. Blush = success. This lesson was brought to you by Cover Girl cosmetics, Walmart, Bankable Productions, CW's the Vampire Diaries, Whip It! in theaters this Friday, and shillbot industries. Thank you, Mrs. Noted Fashion Photographer. You can go into sleep mode now.
Exhausted from their round of Supermarket Sweep, the pocket-sized models went home to their minature house to bitch about their alleged injuries at the tiny hands and adorable claws of Albino Mena Suvari. Well, mostly Ashley bitched. Because Ashley is a bitch. Don't you see this bruise here on her arm? Ow. Like, whenever she tries to bend it. Ow. And her wonky eye looks a little wonkier. And it's all Erin's fault because she was trying really hard to win the race that the producers and Nigel and Mrs. Nigel Shillbot told them all they had to try really hard to win because it mattered. Some people. Hey, where are you going? Ashley wants to point out the other bruises Erin didn't give her. Owww.
Later, the girls unwrapped a mummy to find Tyra wearing a sleeveless custodian's jumpsuit, which seems about right. Then Tyra shot all the girls (…with her camera. Calm down). The theme of this photoshoot? SCARVES. Yes, scarves. It was Tyra's own idea! She works sooo hard. She gathered every ounce of creativity she could wring from her inflatable ego, and poured it all into coming up with an idea for the photoshoot, and that idea was, "Let's wrap scarves around their heads, or something." Genius. So each of the girls wore a different-colored scarf on her head and had her picture taken by Tyra—which I know doesn't sound that exciting. But it could be worse. For instance, take that thick, heavy air of boredom that overcame you when you read that last sentence, and multiply it by 1000 pounds of dullness—that's what it was like to watch the scarves n' shorties photoshoot. Only when Brittany won and was introduced to her prize—a pair of raccoon-men, presumably rabies-free—did the leaded curtain of boredom lift slightly.
At judging, Tyra singled out two girls: Bianca, because why not?; and Ashley, because, see, sometimes at photoshoots the art director or stylist will change the model's clothes because they're not feeling it. But sometimes they'll change the model's clothes because the model is coming up short. And Ashley was a short model coming up short, which is extra super short. Also, her picture looked like a jellyfish was eating her face, and whose fault is that? The face's fault, obviously. Not the photographer's. No way. In the end, though, Tyra sent Bianca home. Jesus had let Bianca down, so why not ANTM? And, anyway, they have to keep Ashley around cause she's the bitch. Shoot me, Tyra!
Grade: C+
Stray Observations:
—Cornpone Laura wears clothes handmade by her grandma Wanda Sue? I hope next week she walks into judging chewing on a hayseed. She and Bloody Eyeball are the gifts that keep on giving.
—What was that "Top moooodel" song that played over Bianca's goodbye reel? Does ANTM have a club track now?
—"You look like an alien in a really good way." China Chow, Ladies and Gentlemen.
—Did Tyra just discover jumpsuits this cycle/season? I'm pretty sure she bought the world's supply of them and made it her mission to wear all of them on camera.
—"Is Bianca the verb and not the noun?" Good question. She is very good at biancaing, but not so good at being Bianca.