Dear Patricia Arquette,
First off, The A.V. Club would like to congratulate you on your Oscar win for Richard Linklater’s Boyhood. It was well deserved. However, we’d like to speak frankly with you about an upcoming project you’re involved in. We think you might have been duped.
We recently received a press release saying that you signed on to play a witch in the upcoming animated film TROLL: The Rise Of Harry Potter, Jr. It’s uncertain if you were under duress, or perhaps your agent was misled. But this new 3-D animated film actually has nothing to do with Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, or any of J.K. Rowling’s other creations. It’s a reboot of the Charles Band-produced 1986 cheapie Troll. The original Troll was written and directed by John Carl Buechler, who was also involved with Friday The 13th VII: The New Blood; in the press release, Buechler is quoted as saying, “we believed the timing was right to produce an updated 3-D animated version for a whole new generation of filmgoers.”
It would appear it’s also the time to confuse the Hogwarts faithful, much like Charles Band did by releasing the risqué Ghoulies around the same time as Gremlins. Band seems to think that the Harry Potter books owe a debt to Troll, because both stories are about magic and because Troll features a character named Harry Potter, Jr. (Mostly the second one.) J.K. Rowling says the idea just came to her. However, neither Buechler, Band, nor Rowling are laying claim to Troll 2.
Peter Davy, co-producer of TROLL: The Rise Of Harry Potter, Jr. is “envisioning a series of animated sequels along with an animated TV series.” Simon Crowe, the CEO of production company SC Films, commented, “We see a 3-D animated Troll as having tremendous commercial value and huge appeal for family audiences worldwide.” Perhaps instead of Chris Columbus’ flash-forward Harry Potter sequel, clueless parents will flock with their kids to see the adventures of the other Harry Potter. This new Harry Potter, Jr. is slated to hit screens in 2017.
Perhaps we’re off base, Ms. Arquette. Maybe now that you’ve got the Academy Award under your belt you see this as a perfect time to return to your genre roots. Your debut role was in A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, after all.
In closing, we just hope that you know what you’re doing Ms. Arquette, because we like you.