And now an imagined Robert Rodriguez career retrospective, inspired by Sofia Vergara's new boob guns

"Thank you all for coming to this retrospective on the work of Robert Rodriguez, here at the Film Society of Underwater New Denver. The career of Mexican-American filmmaker Robert Rodriguez is one of steady maturation, a flowering that can be measured in the many, incrementally idiosyncratic places he found throughout his oeuvre to stick guns. Let's begin the slide show.

The guitar case full of weapons seen in El Mariachi—the work of an inventive, yet clearly novice director still learning the cinematic language of where one can stick guns—soon gave way to the machine-gun guitars and rocket-launching and flame-throwing guitar cases of Desperado and Once Upon A Time In Mexico. These, in turn, led to Rodriguez’s experiments with sticking guns in crotches and on amputated legs in From Dusk Till Dawn and Planet Terror—stylistic innovations that signified the filmmaker was finally claiming his own authorial voice, then using that voice to tell people where to stick guns.

Finally, after the arguable stagnation that was Machete’s rather provincial 'minigun on a motorcycle'—please, I’ll be happy to debate this after the presentation is over—Rodriguez emerged in 2013 with the sequel, Machete Kills, perhaps his boldest vision yet of where to stick guns: on the breasts of Sofia Vergara. Though an obvious homage to Ursula Andress in The 10th Victim—and thus also the likes of Austin Powers and Lady Gaga—sticking guns on Sofia Vergara’s breasts was perhaps Rodriguez’s clearest statement of who he is as an artist, a statement that said, 'Stick the guns on her boobs! Ha ha, boob guns!' Truly, his career had reached an apotheosis.

Now, if we can proceed to the next slide, we’ll move into Rodriguez’s so-called 'August Period' with a look at the Laser-Shooting Buttplug from Machete In Space…. "