File this one under: “Huh? I guess.” Some enterprising soul has decided to rewrite passages of the Bible to be about Tombstone Pizza instead of God, Jesus, and whatever other holy stuff is in there. The Book Of Tombstone is a Tumblr with multiple excerpts from an imagined holy tome that reinterprets events from the Bible through the prism of the sub-par frozen pizza. For example, this reading comes from Sausagis chapter 11, verses 2-9:
They said to each other, “Come, let us build a pizza that is 75% bread. Right now it is only 30% bread, and that is not enough bread for our pizza.” They used dough for the crust, and then used more dough for more crust, and then more dough for more crust. Then they said, “Come, let us put a little bit of sauce and toppings on top of this loaf of bread we just made, so that people will think our pizza is delivered, when it is not.”
But Tombstone came down to see the pizza they were making. Tombstone said, “It’s as if you guys don’t care about making a pizza at all, but just want a loaf of bread with a little bit of sauce on it. If they do this, nothing will be possible for them, because they will be so fat from all of the bread they have eaten. Come, let us make it taste like delivery, so that people think they can order it, and then when they discover that it is not delivery, they will be confused and not understand why it tastes like delivery but is in fact not delivery.”
So Tombstone made it seem like this new pizza could be delivered, and they stopped making the pizzas, because they thought they could just order them. From there he scattered them over the face of the whole earth, and they could not move back because they were so large from eating all that bread. Also the tower was called Breadel. Because of all the bread.
There are multiple passages involving heating instructions, the devil in the form DiGiorno pizza, and the origin of the world via the invention of crust and sauce. It’s unknown who the writer is, but despite his or her dedication to spreading the word of Tombstone, the mystery author says they are not officially connected to the frozen pizza brand.