Over the weekend, every gossip source hyperventilated reports that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were breaking up, for real this time. These reports are false for two reasons:
1. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will never break-up. Their relationship is a constant, an unchangeable fact. When they die, they will be preserved in one solid block of amber standing side-by-side, their hands clasped in an eternal embrace, their relationship frozen in a honey-colored slab for all time.
2. One of the reasons cited for the break-up is this:
"Brad loves spending time in New Orleans, but Angie doesn't," the source divulges in the new issue of Us Weekly. "They fight because of it…she keeps yelling at him that she hates New Orleans and never wants to go back."
Notice that Anglelina didn't just scream "I hate New Orleans!" at Brad Pitt once in an isolated incident. No, instead Us Weekly contends that Angelina Jolie's life is now basically nothing more than a series of "I hate New Orleans!" yells directed at Brad Pitt. She wakes up in the morning, yells "I hate New Orleans!" at Brad Pitt, then maybe goes for a walk with the kids or something. Later she comes back to the house, yells "I hate New Orleans!" at Brad Pitt, then they decide to go to dinner so she can yell "I hate New Orleans!" at Brad Pitt in a different setting. When they get back home, she yells, "I hate New Orleans!" a couple of times while she's getting ready for bed, until finally a sleepy Brad turns off the lights and says "Good night." Angelina looks at his profile in the darkness for a moment before responding. "I hate New Orleans!" she says, absentmindedly. And with that particular yell of city-specific hatred hanging in the air like a punctuation mark on the end of their day, the couple drift off to sleep.
Clearly, Angelina needs to vary her repetoire. If she's going to be yelling "I hate New Orleans!" all the time she should at least use some colorful, non-existent nicknames or vague descriptors of the city to change it up a bit. Lucky for Angelina, Us Weekly has already given her a headstart. Because Us Weekly has a room full of hungry editors who are paid one bite of licorice for every nauseating circumlocution they come up with, the magazine uses no fewer than 4 different ways of saying "New Orleans" in their short article, including, "The Big Easy" (obviously), "the southern town" (that one only deserves half a bite of licorice), "the resiliant Louisiana city," and, my favorite, "the Mardi Gras burg."
Maybe Angelina should consider yelling, "I hate gumbo junction!" Or, "Get me the hell out of Beignetville!" Or "You couldn't crawfish etou-pay me enough to live in this Crescent City." It would be just as believeable.