Hey, did you know Rob Lowe is very handsome and had a sex tape scandal involving an underage girl in 1988? Well, if you didn’t, his Comedy Central roast might have informed you, and then reminded you again and again. Those were the topics the members of the dais harped upon during the special that aired last night—that is, when they weren’t going after Ann Coulter for her vile intolerance. Coulter’s presence ended up being the main attraction, completely overshadowing Lowe. A sampling of some of the barbs thrown her way:
Pete Davidson: “Ann describes herself as a polemicist, but most people call her a cunt. Last year, we had Martha Stewart who sells sheets. This year, we have Ann Coulter who cuts eye holes in them.”
Jewel: “As a feminist, I can’t support everything that’s being said up here tonight. But as somebody that hates Ann Coulter, I’m delighted.”
Jimmy Carr: “Ann Coulter is one of the most repugnant, hateful, hatchet-faced bitches alive. But it’s not too late to change, Ann. You could kill yourself.”
Nikki Glaser: “The only person you will ever make happy is the Mexican who digs your grave.”
Coulter didn’t do herself any favors by being a generally bad sport about the whole thing, and using her time at the mic to shill for her book about Donald Trump, In Trump We Trust: E Pluribus Awesome! Her set was met with boos and blank faces as she tried to push her agenda with digs at President Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Jeb Bush. She missed an obvious Scott Baio joke when talking about how she wants to get Ralph Macchio, the resident ’80s star at the event, to vote for Trump, and got heckled by Pete Davidson after saying “I once thought Pete Davidson was once like Obama, a biracial goofball who ruined a beloved institution, but it turns out I was wrong. Pete’s not biracial.” She also called Rob Riggle, “Rob Regal.” When he finally had his chance to retort, Lowe addressed Coulter’s disastrous performance: “I think we’ve all witnessed the first bombing that you can’t blame on a Muslim.”
As for everyone else, Jewel crooned a song to the tune of “You Were Meant For Me” about not wanting to kiss Lowe, Macchio got (sort of) heartfelt, and Jeff Ross dressed as Prince. But even after everyone had spent all their arrows, their target remained as pretty as ever.