April 16, 2008

Hey, everybody: If you missed last week's
column, I'm taking a week off because, well, go read last week's column if you
care to know. Here's an old column—from May
24, 1995—to tide you over until my return next week. It not only features
my mother, but also my boyfriend's very first mention in the column. And as
you'll see, last week wasn't the first time I gave Mom the credit for my very
curious career. —Dan

You recently wrote something about people who
"are only attracted to amputees." Well, I personally have been attracted to
female amputees for as long as I can remember. Have other people written you
about this amputee-attraction phenomenon? I get very excited when I come across
a single-legged girl crutching along, or encounter a pretty young woman with an
empty sleeve dangling where an arm should be. Do you know of any clubs or
organizations that cater to such an interest? Are there many others with this
attraction, and where can I meet amputees?

AMP Fan

My dear old Catholic ma came to visit me from
Chicago recently, for a whole week. Mom stayed with me at my new apartment,
where she got to meet my new boyfriend, which went something like this: "Isn't
he a little young?" "He's 24." "Well, he doesn't look 24." "You got me, Mom.
He's 12 years old. I'm the president of NAMBLA. I met him at Baskin-Robbins.
I'm going to jail for this. But before I do, I'll sponsor him at his
confirmation, okay?"

I bring up my mother not because she's an
amputee—just for the record, Mom still runs around on all fours—but
because it was my mom who taught me everything I know about giving advice.
During my formative years, I spent countless hours listening to my mother tell
her sisters, her friends, and ladies from the parish to get their shit
together. They came to her, she told them what she thought, and I drank it in.
So in honor of Mother's Day, I let the ol' gal have a go at this sex-advice
thang. AMP Fan, here's Mom's advice for you:

"Go and do some volunteer work at a hospital. Work
in a rehabilitation institute for people who've lost a limb in a car wreck or
something." Sounds like Ma's on your side. Did she really mean to say people
attracted to amputees should lurk around hospitals? "Well, no, of course not. I
just thought he could meet an amputee that way. I guess he'd be volunteering
for the wrong reasons, like a pedophile working for the Boy Scouts." "Or going
into the priesthood?" [Icy silence.] "Maybe he should go see a shrink and find out
why he's into this."

Sound advice. If I may put in my own two cents:
Amputee fetishism, while not as common as, say, leather fetishism, isn't
exactly unheard of. While I don't personally have any knowledge of organizations
for amputees and the folks who love 'em, perhaps someone reading this does and
will write in. Meanwhile, what's to stop you from taking out a personal ad
seeking like-minded pervs and starting an organization of your own?

What is the medical explanation for the fact
that the skin of the penis is often darker than skin that is not exposed to
sunlight? Does the bacteria a penis encounters while fucking have anything to
do with this phenomenon?

Ken H

"Ask a doctor," Ma sez. "That's what I would do.
Or better yet, don't worry about things like this and, you know, have a life."

I have been living with my boyfriend now for
two years. We have known each other for 17 years, but since we started living
together, things have escalated from serious to very serious. I love him, this
is for sure. He is wonderful, honest, kind, and all that. This guy does not
have a mean bone in his body. I even had an affair recently, told him, and he
forgave me.

The problem? I must be one of those people who
has a constant wandering eye, and right now I think I am in love/lust with
another man. It's occurred to me recently that if it isn't one love interest on
the side, it's another. I don't want to lose my lover, but I know being honest
would finish us off this time around, so what am I to do about this other guy?
I guess there is a simple solution—confess and move on, but all I want is
just to have sex with this other guy. Besides lying or telling the truth or
talking about opening our bedroom, which my boyfriend has already objected to,
what should I do?

On Fire

"I think you should be monogamous," says Mom. "I
think everyone should be monogamous." Why? "I don't think we were meant to be
promiscuous." Why? "Because we're supposed to find someone we like and settle
down with that person." Why? "Because that's what mothers want their kids to
do, that's why. It brings order to the world. Stability. So in my opinion, you
shouldn't act on your feelings for this man who is not your boyfriend. Not all
decisions should be based on how you feel."

As for your lover, "He sounds very nice and
forgiving. Maybe too nice and too forgiving. Forgiveness is important, I'm a
forgiving mom, but it sounds like he's being a doormat. If monogamy is
important to him, and you can't control yourself, then maybe you two aren't a
match."

I'm mooning over this guy who works in a store
up the street from my house. I gave him my number one day, hoping he'd get the
message and call me, but, you guessed it, he hasn't. He always smiles at me
when I come into the store, and looks interested, but… nothing so far. I fell
for this guy because he reminded me of this married guy I've been seeing who I
think has fallen back in love with his wife. I'm about to give up and become a
nun or something. What should I do? I am attractive, confident, and I've been
told I'm the fantasy girl of every lover's dreams more than once.

Miserable In Belltown

"Women who date married men are just being
used—by men every bit as screwed-up as they are," says Mom. "And that man
was probably never out of love with his wife.

"I'm heavily into marital fidelity; I'm supportive
of marital fidelity," Mom continued, sounding like an unannounced Republican
presidential hopeful. "I do think it's possible to have a sexual relationship
with a married man and not get hurt," said Mom, suddenly sounding like a
Democratic president, "but you have to know in advance that it's not going to
be anything more than sex. And most healthy people aren't willing to settle for
that."

As for the boy in the store, "He's smiling at you
to be polite; if he were interested, he would've called by now. Stop wasting
your time being interested in people who aren't interested in you."

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