Last month, Justin Bieber began the ritual of atonement for his years of criminal misbehavior through the cleansing ablution of laughter, submitting himself to the harsh penile system of Comedy Central’s Dick Jokes Adjacent To Celebrities. But while Bieber emerged from his two hours of punishment claiming to be a new man—even boasting the “softer eyes” that only people who are profoundly sorry or dehydrated have—not everyone thinks that being grilled by comedians and Ludacris should count as time served. Argentina, to name just one nation on Earth, thinks Justin Bieber should be in jail.
According to Reuters, an Argentine judge has issued a warrant calling for Bieber to immediately be placed in detention—and not the kind of detention that Bieber sorely missed thanks to becoming famous at such a young age, setting him on a dark path of horseplay throughout the hallways of the world. He wants Bieber arrested for a 2013 incident near a Buenos Aires nightclub, where a local photographer says Bieber sent his bodyguards to assault him after he tried to take a picture. Bieber has since refused to report for questioning on the allegations, preferring to let that purifying laughter and his squishy eyeballs do the talking.
It’s true that poet Pablo Neruda said, “Laughter is the language of the soul”—but then, Pablo Neruda was from Chile. And though their countries share a border, Argentina doesn’t share Neruda’s sentiment, believing that Bieber should come down there and say some actual words with his mouth. “Now we just need to wait for the police to find him and bring him,” the prosecuting attorney said, echoing the same wait-and-see attitude her country showed toward Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (the Justin Bieber of his day).
Under the current wording of the warrant, that will only happen if Bieber “steps foot in Argentina” again—which seems unlikely, unless Argentina suddenly becomes the only place where you can buy horrible pants. As of now, Interpol has yet to respond to the judge’s request to detain Bieber anywhere in the world. And under its current treaty with Argentina, alleged assault isn’t cause for the U.S. to extradite, meaning the White House will once again decline its chance.
Bieber’s home country of Canada could conceivably extradite him, given that he’s already committed crimes within its borders and his Argentine charges carry a possible sentence of six years in prison. But that would require Canada taking responsibility for Justin Bieber, something it’s been reluctant to do for years.
Meanwhile, Justin Bieber spent the weekend at Coachella sporting a ponytail, an offense that is not sufficient cause for arrest—yet.