Ariana Grande will not face criminal charges for licking donuts or hating America

At what was probably a dramatic, rain-soaked press conference on the steps of the Riverside County Sheriff’s Department in California, officials announced that Ariana Grande—the America-hating, donut-licking pop singer who became the most hated young woman in the world last week when she licked some donuts and said she hated America—will not be receiving any criminal charges for licking those donuts or saying she hates America. Though this incident will surely be written off by some members of the media as just another young person making a silly, young person mistake, true students of history will recognize this as another indication that the collapse of society as we know it is practically on our doorstep.

If we can all just march into a bakery, lick donuts, and declare our hatred of America, what’s stopping us from walking into Congress and doing the same? Or the White House? Or the Vatican? Is absolutely nothing sacred anymore? Society needs structure or else it cannot function, and as the structure of bakeries is eroded by B-level pop stars, so to will the structure of our very life be eroded as well. Who will rise up to defend this great country from the enemy combatant du jour when we’re all licking donuts? Not Ariana Grande, you can be damn sure of that.

It’s actually the bakery itself that is choosing not to press charges against Grande, but that just speaks to the ineffectiveness of the liberal agenda that has taken over our once-proud federal government. In the old days, a 22-year-old girl would be shot out of a cannon for licking pastries, but no, in Obama’s America she gets a pat on the head and a trophy for participation. We need to stop coddling our celebrities, we need to stop licking donuts, and above all, we need to stop saying how much we hate America. Everybody hates America, but you’re not allowed to say it!