Arrest warrants issued for Randy and Evi Quaid to lure them into the clutches of the Hollywood Star Whackers

Today’s obligatory update on Randy and Evi Quaid, passed along to you as part of our illicit machination with the Mafia to sell advertising space: A Santa Barbara court has once again issued arrest warrants for the couple that everyone wants to kill, after the Quaids failed to show up at their rescheduled hearing this morning. Randy, who was scheduled to appear at an immigration hearing today to discuss his bid for Canadian asylum, will be granted two weeks before his warrant goes into effect, but Evi’s is effective immediately, as she didn’t have a worthy excuse. Except, of course, the Hollywood Star Whackers, of which the judge is obviously a member. As are, according to the Quaids, the police who arrested them for squatting in the first place. All of them, plotting to lure the Quaids to California under the auspice of “the law.” The state prosecutor also said it’s possible that the couple will be extradited, but nothing is official yet—possibly because California and the Hollywood Star Whackers are too busy at the moment “figuratively” killing Charlie Sheen.

Doing their own part to sell advertising space, ABC explored the possibility of whether a secret underground society of people who buy real estate and murder and/or embarrass random celebrities in a bid to steal royalties from their movies could be symptomatic of “folie a deux,” in which two closely related people enable and aggravate each other’s shared delusions. According to one expert, Quaid’s 2008 dismissal from the Actors Equity Association—after all 26 members of the cast of musical Lone Star Love accused Quaid of physical and mental abuse that included smacking a co-star in the head, warning one that he’d be fired for looking him in the eye, and showing off his “enormous codpiece”—could have been the start of his paranoia, causing “his self-esteem to take a big hit.” Of course, it seems clear now that Lone Star Love was merely a dress rehearsal for the Hollywood Star Whackers, intended to discredit him with outlandish stories and staged fights where Evi was provoked into kicking a 76-year-old receptionist in the shins. Are we supposed to believe it was mere coincidence that in the same month Randy Quaid lost his union benefits and Heath Ledger overdosed? Come on. They were in a movie together.

Anyway, that same expert further supposes that Randy passed his paranoia on to Evi because she was “already mentally ill.” But would a mentally ill person patrol the streets in a sheriff’s badge, or scream, “Please shoot me!! My dooooooog!!!” at cops trying to arrest her for squatting? Or is that the only rational response to being set upon by an irrational, unseen-by-most world that no one else believes is out to get you? Whatever the case, the experts agree: “If they started to get so paranoid that they feel they need to arm themselves, that's not good.” Spoken like a scared member of the Hollywood Star Whackers.