August 28, 2013

I’m a cute, mostly straight, twentysomething, single, and (safely) sexually active woman. This happens to me pretty often: I hook up with a guy, we start fooling around, and we’re both really into it. I reach down, and he’s full sail. Things progress—clothes come off, etc.—and, as is generally the polite order of things, the lady comes first. (This isn’t the problem.) I’m not aggressive, but I’m not shy. I tell a partner what I like and how to do it. They are always happy to oblige. The thing is, after I get off, a lot of times, the guy is limp. (This is the problem.) They usually express frustration and indicate that they’re very much turned on but it’s just not working. Generally after a few times, they will stop having this problem, and we will end up having lots of fun. So I don’t think I’m doing anything “wrong” to kill the boners. I think maybe I’m just intimidating. In fact, I’ve been told so. Why does this happen and how can I reduce the awkwardness? Should I talk about it or just ignore it? And should I keep trying to make him hard? Or will that just make his dick panic worse?
Fragile Ego Males

P.S. The more a guy likes me, the more this seems to happen.

So… you go to bed with a guy, he’s at full sail, and then you inform him that you, the lady of the hookup, will be coming first. You instruct him in the art of What I Like & How You Should Do It, and by the time he’s done—by the time he gets you off—that dick has sailed. Or his dick sails are empty. Or something.

Why does this happen? I have three theories…

Theory One: Lots of straight guys make it into their mid-20s without ever having encountered a sexually assertive woman, FEM. A woman who advocates for herself in the sack, who knows what she likes and isn’t too shy to ask for/insist on it, can come as a shock to a sheltered/indulged/entitled boy’s dicksystems. And while some deeply insecure guys (guys you wouldn’t wanna waste your time and your twat on anyway) may find your assertiveness off-putting (or sail-emptying or dick-limpening or whatever), it may be the case that even the more secure guys you go to bed with (guys you would wanna lavish your time and twattention on) could be thrown by their first encounter with a sexually assertive woman.

Theory Two: Guys who throw themselves into making it happen for you could be losing their erections because they’re focusing on pleasing you and getting you off. Making it happen for a partner—particularly if you’re making it happen with your mouth and it takes longer than 15 minutes—can be hard work. A guy can get wrapped up in giving someone pleasure, slip into a more service-oriented head space, and then discover that his dick has wandered off when it’s “his turn.”

Theory Three: If you’re going home with some guy at 3 a.m. after a night of boozing, and he spends the first 45 minutes eating your pussy, he may be spent by the time you get off.

And here’s how you reduce the awkwardness when it does happen: Acknowledge the situation without dwelling on it, don’t treat it like a catastrophe, and suggest taking a break—have some ice cream! Get a few hours sleep!—before having another go at it. And when you start in again, FEM, go with the impolite order of things, i.e., he comes first next time.

P.S. The more a guy likes you, FEM, the more performance anxiety he may experience. And the more he likes you, the more invested he may be in—and the more distracted he may be by—getting you off.

Before we talk about your boobs and what you can do about your asshole boyfriend—pepper spray?—can we talk about my husband’s ass for a second?

It’s a spectacular ass, and I love to grab it. But my husband doesn’t like to be grabbed in certain ways, in certain places, or at certain times. So I don’t grab his ass in those ways, in those places, or at those times—despite how much I like to grab his ass. Because that spectacular ass of his? It’s his ass, not my ass, and he gets to decide when, where, and how it gets grabbed, touched, fingered, fucked, spanked, etc. And I respect his limits because I respect him. Because he’s my partner, not my possession.

Those boobs of yours? They’re yours, GTFO, and you need to communicate to your boyfriend that there are times when you want him to grab your boobs and times when you don’t want him to grab your boobs. Don’t make the mistake of framing this conversation around his feelings. You are not “bringing it up” to see how to come to some sort of understanding or compromise. You’re bringing it up to set a limit. And once that limit is set, GTFO, don’t put up with the boob-grabbing. If he leans in to grab your boob, move away, slap his hand, blast him with pepper spray—whatever it takes, in other words, to communicate your displeasure in an unambiguous manner. If he gets offended, let him. If he stays offended, leave him.

Nothing will boost your dating mojo like getting laid, DIRT, and that won’t happen if you don’t force yourself to take risks and talk to the next PYT—pretty young thing—who catches your eye. And remember: Lots of twentysomething and thirtysomething PYTs are poz themselves, DIRT, and lots of negative guys are willing to date poz guys. Putting yourself out there may result in some unpleasant rejection from jerks who are freaked out by your HIV status—but you don’t want to date jerks, right?