It's the end of the year, which means that at any given moment someone is being handed an award for something–because, you know, it's the end of the year, and there's all this airtime to fill, and people like awards shows, right?
Well, that's not exactly true. People don't like the actual awards shows nearly as much as they like criticizing and making fun of awards shows with a group of people. But while the big, significant awards shows (like the Oscars) or the big awards shows that think they're significant (The Golden Globes) are endlessly ridiculed and scrutinized, there are more than a few smaller, completely pointless, and totally insignificant awards shows that fall through the cracks of public ridicule and scorn each year.
Well, no more! Welcome to Awards Shows You Didn't Know (Or Care) Existed, The Hater's new feature that seeks out the less significant awards shows (like The Billboard Awards, and, ugh, The American Music Awards) and holds them up for the public ridicule they so richly deserve.
First on the list: last night's seizure-inducing VH1 Big In '06 Awards.
Now, you have to sort of admire VH1. They've successfully transitioned from MTV's boring, cheesy aunt, to MTV's boring, cheesy aunt who's really into pop culture fun-dits and shows about has-beens. That's quite a shift.
But if the VH1 Big In 06 Awards doesn't make you want to take every television set on Earth, weld them together into a giant, smoldering heap, and then launch it into space because we clearly don't deserve the technology, well, then you're probably Hal Sparks.
As far as I can tell, the point of the VH1 Big In '06 Awards was to tell the audience:
a). What's really popular right now (i.e. America's Next Top Model, Dane Cook)
b). What was really popular earlier this year (i.e. Katharine McPhee)
c). What will make you want to die later on next year (i.e. the solo album by the cheerleader from Heroes), and, of course,
d). What Hal Sparks, Loni Love, and whoever that blonde girl is think of various popular things.
Basically, it was like watching everything you didn't like about the past year (and maybe a few things you did) crash into each other while Flava Flav shouted from a throne in the corner of the stage. Also, there were clips of talking heads.
Here's a sample:
My Favorite part: "Katherine Heigl! Grey's Anatomy! Izzie!"
Tomorrow: The Billboard Music Awards