Let Archie fans bicker about whether the apple-cheeked high-schooler should date homey Betty or glamorous Veronica. The A.V. Club would rather hang out with Josie, the curvy rock goddess whose band The Pussycats tours the Archie universe, making people feel all right. With a little help from The Rocklopedia Fakebandica (fakebands.com), The A.V. Club presents a full study of the animated musicians that are totally happening, and those that couldn't draw a crowd if they were performing on a high ledge. Only one major cartoon band was excluded from the competition, out of fairness to the others: The Neptunes, with their unstoppable shark drummer Jabberjaw. That dude just shreds. Otherwise, here's the breakdown.
The Archies
(first appearance: The Archie Show, 1968)
vs.
Josie And The Pussycats
(Josie And The Pussycats, 1970)
Archie and Josie both started in comic books, but their pop-culture stars rose at the dawn of The Me Decade, when they each got their own Saturday-morning cartoon. Behind the scenes, The Archies and The Pussycats had the support of some of the finest session men and songwriters of the bubblegum era. The Archies get the edge here, if only because the chart success of "Sugar Sugar" initiated a whole genre of pop music. Also, Josie And The Pussycats went into space in the 1972 version of their show, which is generally considered to be a bad career move for a cartoon band.
Winner: The Archies
Jem & The Holograms
(Jem & The Holograms, 1985)
vs.
Barbie & The Rockers
(Barbie & The Rockers: Out Of This World, 1987)
When Hasbro had an unexpected hit with its Jem dolls and syndicated TV series, Mattel fired back with a rock-themed TV special starring its perennial bestseller, Barbie, and launched an attendant line of clothes and accessories. Plainly, there's no contest here. Jem & The Holograms represented a sincere attempt at cross-market synergy and tween-focused marketing. Barbie & The Rockers were just a cheap cash-in. (Besides, they also went into space.)
Winner: Jem & The Holograms
The Brady Kids
(The Brady Kids, 1972)
vs.
The Partridge Family 2200 AD
(The Partridge Family 2200 AD, 1974)
Almost all the original live-action stars provided voices for their cartoon counterparts on these two mid-'70s Saturday-morning shows, which were filled with gags, songs, and gimmicks. The Bradys were assisted by a dog, two pandas, and a magical mynah bird. The Partridges had a Martian pal and a robot dog. Who wins? Not the viewing public. But for the purposes of this contest, bet against the band with "2200 AD" in its name.
Winner: The Brady Kids
The Groovie Goolies
(Sabrina & The Groovie Goolies, 1970)
vs.
The Chan Clan
(The Amazing Chan & The Chan Clan, 1972)
The Groovie Goolies roll call: Drac, Wolfie, and Frankie, three hipster monsters quick with a one-liner and a hunk of bubblegum pop. The Chan Clan: 10 kids sired by famed Asian detective Charlie Chan. The Chans have a tambourine-playing dog and a cooler conveyance (a van that can change into other vehicles), but they're so busy solving mysteries that they rarely get much practice time. The Groovie Goolies, on the other hand, are all about the music. And the horror.
Winner: The Groovie Goolies
Jet Screamer
(The Jetsons, 1962)
vs.
Rock Roll
(The Flintstones, 1962)
Though George Jetson and Fred Flintstone profess little interest in modern music, both have unexpectedly worked with some of the top pop stars of their times. Jetson accidentally contributed to Jet Screamer's hit song "Eep Op Ork Ah Ah," while Flintstone stood in for Rock Roll when the hick-rocker got sick in Bedrock and couldn't perform his smash "The Twitch." In other words, Jet's more reliable. Who knows when you'll go to see Rock Roll and get stuck with some local look-alike? Also, Flintstone does best performing his own music, under the nom-de-rock Hi-Fye.
Winner: Jet Screamer
The Be Sharps
(The Simpsons, 1993)
vs.
The Flintstone Canaries
(The Flintstones, 1964)
What does it mean that the two longest-running prime-time animated series both featured episodes where their lead characters joined barbershop quartets? Probably just that The Simpsons' writers watched a lot of Flintstones growing up. Their episode is genuinely funny though, and even The Be Sharps' big hit—"Baby On Board"—is damnably catchy. Still… Seth McFarlane? Mike Judge? Before you get any ideas, remember Barney Gumble's pronouncement "Barbershop is dead."
Winner: The Be Sharps
The Misfits
(Jem & The Holograms, 1985)
vs.
The California Raisins
(TV commercial, 1986)
This face-off seems like a mismatch, because The Misfits write their own music and have a passel of dirty tricks at their disposal, while The California Raisins are a bunch of wrinkled old guys doing Motown covers. Also, the former band was cel-animated, and the latter is made out of clay, so they don't really exist in the same cartoon universe. But oh, if they did! How much of The Misfits' sabotaging nonsense would the Raisins and their super-cool lead singer—voiced by rock and soul veteran Buddy Miles—put up with? Nary a whit.
Winner: The California Raisins
MC Skat Kat
("Opposites Attract" video, 1989)
vs.
MC Pee Pants
(Aqua Teen Hunger Force, 2002)
Why would Corey Clark assume that Paula Abdul could help his career, when she couldn't even give a boost to her rapping animated duet partner MC Skat Kat? It took two years for the freestylin' feline to capitalize on MTV fame and record a full-length album–which, sadly, didn't include a song called "Paulatics." And MC Pee Pants? The demonic spider who disguised himself as an 11-year-old rapper in order to get kids to eat more candy via his hit song "I Want Candy?" No record in stores yet. That automatically makes him (it?) the winner.
Winner: MC Pee Pants
Alvin & The Chipmunks
(novelty single "The Chipmunk Song," 1958)
vs.
The Nutty Squirrels
(novelty single "Uh-Oh Part 2," 1959)
Record producer Ross Bagdasarian sped up his voice and scored a smash hit with his version of "The Christmas Song." A year later, a bunch of jazzmen and avant-garde engineers cooked up a rival squeaky-voiced act, The Nutty Squirrels, with better performances and a hipper edge. The Squirrels beat the Chipmunks to TV, rushing out a set of five-minute shorts while Bagdasarian was struggling to complete a Christmas special. In the long term, Alvin & The Chipmunks sold more records, but being a musician is all about cool, and no cartoon band is cooler than The Nutty Squirrels, which are so cool that that nobody can find them anymore.
Winner: The Nutty Squirrels
Gorillaz
(Tomorrow Comes Today EP, 2000)
vs.
Puffy AmiYumi
("Asia No Junshin" single, 1996)
Which came first, the band or the cartoon? In theory, Damon Albarn's Gorillaz are the whole package: Jamie Hewlett-designed characters rapping over tracks by Albarn and a rotating cast of hip-hop and electronica artists. But two albums into the band's career, the music increasingly supercedes the medium. Japanese girl-group Puffy AmiYumi has been heading in the opposite direction. Begun as a quirky indie-pop act, Puffy became a merchandising phenomenon at home, and now it has its own Cartoon Network series, which plays primarily to viewers who've never heard of the duo. Sadly, the band has yet to record a hit single as ineffable as Gorillaz' "Clint Eastwood." May the cartoon monkeys never get their own show.
Winner: Gorillaz