Olympians spend a good part of their lives
training for one shot at the gold. Beijing 2008 reduces these
make-or-break moments to a series of airless mini-games. On the Wii, with the
requisite motion-sensing waggle, such lightweight contests might gain a sense
of novelty, but on more traditional consoles, they feel rote. Particularly
dreary are the many race events that rely on human locomotion. Running or
swimming is accomplished the old-fashioned way—by hammering on
alternating buttons until fingertips bleed. It makes sense that the scheme
popularized by Konami's 1983 arcade hit Track & Field should endure this long, but those
races rarely lasted longer than 30 seconds. Asking players to endure all 1,500
meters on the stamina of two digits is inhumane.
Beijing 2008's offbeat events are slightly more
interesting. Gymnastics, weightlifting, judo, and diving are worth playing just
to see how the game designers pulled them off. And various target-shooting events
such as archery and skeet work because they're so familiar to gamers. Give us a
gun and something to level the sights on, and we're good to go. Even the
table-tennis event has some appeal, thanks more to the inherently dramatic
back-and-forth of a good rally than to nuanced play. Javelin, shot put, discus,
and the hammer throw may be the most immediately satisfying, though. Who
doesn't like chucking stuff?
Beyond the game: Beijing 2008's multiplayer is a huge
missed opportunity. Players can compete head-to-head in one-off events or
organize tournaments. Why not stage a massive Olympic competition online with
gamers representing different countries vying for the same medals?
Worth playing for: Boring races are justified
by a clever mechanic for getting out of the blocks. Players squeeze the trigger
as they wait for the starting gun. Pull too hard, and your runner or swimmer
will jump, disqualifying themselves or forcing a restart.
Frustration sets in
when: Just
getting into the games is a hassle. Players can practice all they want, but to
compete for medals, they're forced to slog through rigorous, unforgiving
qualifying matches.
Final judgment: Bronze would be generous.