Now that the news cycle has outpaced ebola panic, we can all get back to what we were doing, which is hurting Thanksgiving’s feelings by preparing for Christmas far too early. Bleeding-heart fear-monger Bob Geldof has a problem with this, however, and wants to keep ebola viral (see what we did there?) a little while longer by releasing the fourth version of his charity single “Do They Know It’s Christmas,” this one ebola-themed and presumably titled “Do They Know It’s Christmas (Or Are They Preoccupied With Other Things, Like Not Dying Of Ebola).”
Despite the fact that, out of the three West African nations that have been hit hardest by the ebola virus, only Liberia is majority Christian and therefore inclined to care about Christmas on a good day, Geldof has assembled an all-star group of Western musicians to belt out an ode to the people of West Africa in London this coming Saturday. The list includes Bono, Ellie Goulding, One Direction, Ed Sheeran, Sam Smith, Underworld, Sinead O’Connor, Bastille, Elbow, and “more artists to be announced,” which will hopefully include Lorde or something because seriously, people, this isn’t Restless Leg Syndrome, this is ebola. Geldof has confirmed that some of the lyrics of the song would be changed “to reflect the new angle, although the main ‘feed the world’ chorus line will remain.”
Geldof also confirmed that Quincy Jones, producer of that other ‘80s charity mega-hit “We Are The World,” will be producing an American version of the song, also presumably titled “We Are The World (But Please Stay On Your Side Of It, We Scare Easily).” No release date has been set for either song, but we’re assuming both will be released before Christmas, because that’s kind of the point, and will give shoppers brief moments of narcissistic, bitterly-ironic panic when someone starts coughing in the supermarket as the song plays softly on the PA for a few months afterward. “Of course I get ebola while the ebola song is playing,” shoppers will think. “That’s just perfect. I better tweet this.”