Increasingly moist scarf Johnny Depp has had a rough week of facing intense critical backlash, the indignity of being roundly trounced by Jennifer Lopez banging a teenager at the box office, and remembering that he starred in Mortdecai. As such, he’s entered the sort of indifferent, daydreaming malaise we all get into when your job sucks, only his job involves pretending for reporters that he’s still excited about a movie everyone clearly hates. So he just started talking about chupacabras. Fuck it, right?
“I was attacked yesterday morning by a very rarely seen or experienced animal called ‘chupacabra,’” Depp told reporters in Tokyo today, explaining why he’d been a no-show at a press conference the day before where reps had originally claimed he was ill. “I fought with it for hours. They’re very persistent, very mean. And I’m pretty sure it came into my suitcase,” Depp continued of the mythical spiny creature that’s rumored to have sucked the blood of hundreds of goats across Central and South America, and to have ejaculated in Johnny Depp’s luggage, apparently.
Entertained by Johnny Depp’s joke and the fact that they weren’t talking about Mortdecai, the reporters laughed gratefully. “ I threw him off the 23rd floor. So we’ll never see him again. Thank you for understanding,” Depp concluded. Oh, would that he could while away the rest of his hours making up stories about chupacabras and trying on wigs just for fun again.
But then some jerk had to ruin it by asking how Mortdecai might have handled the chupacabra incident. And so, Depp was forced to put on the silly accent and rattle off a rote, uninspired abstract of a character to polite laughter, without anyone paying him $10 million for it: “He would probably say something like `How do you do?’ My name is Charlie Mortdecai and I’ve come here to take as much money from you as I possibly can. And jewelry, and art, and stuff.’”
“And stuff….,” Depp trailed off, staring listlessly out the window, thinking about chupacabras. Do they exist? Are they actually aliens? Is it time to go home yet?