The Teen Choice Awards, that annual shortlist of things for parents to watch and discuss with their kids in a vain attempt to seem “hip” and “with it,” was held in Los Angeles last night. As usual, the Teens displayed the same banal sensibilities as their older siblings the People, only the winners received surfboards because statuettes are like, sooooo lame, Dad.
Winners, chosen by a vote cast in that high-pitched tone only people under 25 can hear, included The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, Divergent, Pretty Little Liars, The Vampire Diaries, and the nonthreatening hotties of One Direction. But the big story last night was The Fault In Our Stars; buoyed by the salty tears of millions of 15-year old girls, the teen cancer tragedy received seven awards. Shailene Woodley won two awards—one each for her roles in Divergent and The Fault In Our Stars—and has thus been given the right of life and death over her peers in the annual Teen Gladiator Games no one reading this is young or cool enough to know about.
A full list of winners—including Choice Instagrammer, Choice Male Hottie, and Choice Female Hottie—can be found here.