Break out your $4,000 ham napkin for the 30 Rock wedding

Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for November 29, 2012. All times are Eastern.

TOP PICK

30 Rock (NBC, 8 p.m.): Unless that wedding invitation that circulated around the Internet earlier in the month is some sort of elaborate ruse and/or the poster for a fake Tracy Jordan movie, somebody’s getting married on 30 Rock tonight, and those somebodies are Liz and Criss. (And if we know Liz Lemon, the Muppets Take Manhattan cut linked above has to play some part in the ceremony, right?) But first, they need the blessing of The Beeper King, as Liz’s lady business is still part of his Beeper Kingdom—or some such other loveable crassness that will end up in Dean Winter’s mouth. Unofficial bridesmaid Pilot Viruet will show you where to place your gift for the happy couple.

Last Resort (ABC, 8 p.m.): Having protected the show from a big loss of ratings on Thanksgiving night—thanks a bunch, ABC—the network airs Last Resort’s one and only take on the holiday one week late. Scott Von Doviak looks forward to watching a drunken Scott Speedman dance around with an oversized turkey on his head.

The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8 p.m.): Parking spots come between friends when the university hands Sheldon’s parking space to Wolowitz, in an episode that, judging from the press artwork, takes place entirely on a parking-lot set. Oliver Sava is curious about whether we could’ve fit an additional “parking” into that previous sentence.

The Vampire Diaries (The CW, 8 p.m.): Though anyone on this show could be a supernatural being, Carrie Raisler feels it’s unfair for vampired-up Elena to compete in the Miss Mystic Falls Pageant. She’ll clearly have a leg up on her competition in the “drinking blood” portion of the contest.

The Office (NBC, 9 p.m.): Pete (a.k.a. “New Jim,” a.k.a. “Plop”) earns a mention in the episode synopsis, and Erik Adams thinks that merits a round of applause for young Jake Lacy. The guy could use it, what with having lost his Goodwin Games role to T.J. Miller and all…

Person Of Interest (CBS, 9 p.m.): It’s a reunion of The Others as “’Til Death” reunites former Lost cohorts Michael Emerson and Mark Pellegrino. There are also flashbacks to Finch’s old life, which has Phil Dyess-Nugent feeling all sorts of nostalgia pangs for the Island.

Glee (Fox, 9 p.m.): What? Glee had a Thanksgiving episode in the wings, but it still went with “Dynamic Duets” last week? Brandon Nowalk theorizes that the holiday’s early placement on the calendar threw off the show’s episode order—either that, or Fox just wanted to catch viewers with a better episode while they were pinned down by tryptophan.

Parks And Recreation (NBC, 9:30 p.m.): Amy Poehler welcomes fellow Saturday Night Live alum and Weekend Update anchor Brad Hall to Pawnee—of course, during Hall’s tenure they called it “Saturday Night News.” Steve Heisler humbly requests a supplemental half hour of Poehler and Hall comparing SNL stories.

Elementary (CBS, 10 p.m.): Having put up with a grouchy Sherlock Holmes surrogate on House for seven seasons, Linda Edelstein tangles with the original formula in an Elementary guest shot. Myles McNutt hopes this doesn’t end with Holmes driving a car through Edelstein’s living room.

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX, 10 p.m.): Frank returns to world of big business—though this plot seems to exist solely to put Danny DeVito in Patrick Bateman garb. Emily Guendelsberger can’t wait to see his business cards, if only to ask how a nitwit like Frank got so tasteful.

Burn Notice (USA, 10 p.m.): One of the few roles that went unmentioned in Patton Oswalt’s recent Random Roles interview is that of Colin Schmidt, a smuggler who begins his two-episode arc on the show tonight. Michael and company want to know why Schmidt is hiding—Scott Von Doviak, meanwhile, wants to hear about the guy’s bitchin’ Dr. Octopus costume.

The League (FX, 10:30 p.m.): Since What’s On Tonight? is so into guest stars today: J.B. Smoove stops by, playing a wheelchair-bound character who sounds like an It’s Always Sunny renegade that’s made his way to The League’s version of Chicago. Sounds to Margaret Eby like an episode guaranteed to bring the ruckus.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (11 a.m.): The show tests Zack Handlen’s increased tolerance for the Ferengi by sending Quark to Ferenginar and introducing the character’s mother, Ishka. Then again, Ishka is played by the always wonderful Andrea Martin, so “Family Business” won’t test that tolerance too much.

100 Greatest Kids Stars (VH1, 9 p.m.): A prediction: Whoever comes out on top of VH1’s latest pop-culture list has still been been handed plenty of losses by life. Congrats to those who lived long enough to contribute talking-head interviews to this special, though.

American Chainsaw (National Geographic, 10 p.m.): The world of retail chainsaw sculptures is given a heavily bearded face in the form of “The Machine” Jesse Green, a modern-day lumberjack whose ability to grow a facial sawdust catcher puts the Duck Dynasty guys to shame.

Panic 9-1-1 (A&E, 10 p.m.): True crime gets unsettlingly true in an update of the old Rescue 911 formula that ditches William Shatner and testimonial interviews for actual 911 calls set to shadowy, heavily treated reenactment footage. In other words: Nightmare fuel for days.

Totally Biased With W. Kamau Bell/Brand X With Russell Brand (FX, 11 p.m.): FX must be incredibly pleased with its experimental forays into late-night TV, as it just ordered another 13 episodes of both Totally Biased and Brand X. Bell celebrates his renewal with John Oliver, while detoxing marionette Russell Brand welcomes Sarah Silverman for a competition of “Who can say the most playfully naughty thing?”

Fargo (AMC, 8 p.m.): With the weather gettin’ colder and the sun settin’ earlier, there, you’re definitely gonna want to get in da mood for winter with da Coens’ tale of a fake kidnapping, a woodchipper, and pregnant Frances McDormand. Oh ya? Ya.

The Iron Petticoat (TCM, 8 p.m.): The network tries out “Variations On A Theme” with three takes on the Iron Curtain satire Ninotchka, beginning with the suitably bizarre pairing of Katharine Hepburn as a Russian aviatrix and Bob Hope as the dashing military hero trying to win her over to the side of truth, justice, and capitalism.

NBA Basketball: Spurs at Heat (TNT, 8 p.m.): Two first-place teams on recent hot streaks come together in Miami, where the Heat are undefeated for the season. Of course, the Spurs have only lost one game out of nine on the road, so that home-court advantages only counts to a point.

Supernatural: Phil Dyess-Nugent has seen the “everybody dies in a cartoonish manner” episode of Supernatural and lived to tell the tale. Though he’s not sure what he’s going to do about this comically swollen bump growing out of his scalp or the tweeting birds that came with it.