We Americans like to think of ourselves as exceptional, better than everyone else despite our crazy expensive health care, middling educational system, and shameful reality TV problem. (Although, to be fair, we learned that last one from the Brits.) We’re basically the world’s Tinder hookup, always making other countries tell us how big and powerful and great we are until we drunkenly pass out. Speaking of, what says “America: Not As Great As We Think We Are” than a can of mediocre, watery beer in fancy packaging?
Yes, according to a press release issued earlier today, Budweiser is trying to make the phrase “icy-cold America” a thing by replacing the word “Budweiser” with “America” on its 12-ounce beer cans this summer. “We are embarking on what should be the most patriotic summer that this generation has ever seen,” Budweiser vice president Ricardo Marques says, citing a soccer tournament and the Rio 2016 Olympics as reasons for said patriotism because God knows American electoral politics aren’t inspiring a lot of national pride right now.
“Budweiser has always strived to embody America in a bottle, and we’re honored to salute this great nation where our beer has been passionately brewed for the past 140 years,” Marques adds. (Budweiser is owned by the Belgian-Brazilian beer company Anheuser-Busch InBev.)
Debuting on May 23, the cans will be available until November, when the irony may very well become more painful than amusing. There will be TV commercials for the re-branding, of course, as well as a special “Torch”-themed can released specially for the Olympics in August. Meanwhile, our Northern neighbors re-named their Budweiser cans after Metallica, because Canada is secretly the coolest. And remember, fellow Americans: You’re not an alcoholic, you’re a patriot.
Thanks to commenter The Uvular Suspects (a.k.a. Son of Neckbeard) for the tip.