Sharknado 2, the phenomenon that occurs when a low-pressure system of making a Syfy movie meets a high-pressure system of trying to manufacture cult success, has begun to fill out its cast, beyond returning stars Ian Ziering and Tara Reid and the sharks and tornadoes and the silver spoon, etc. And, as with all things Sharknado sequel-related—like its apathetically Twitter-assigned title, Sharknado: The Second One— the cast has seemingly been stirred from the chum of the public consciousness, based on who you would just assume would be in another Sharknado movie. For example, you’d probably think something like Sharknado 2 might as well star Andy Dick, and so it does. Next time you should try thinking that someone might as well give you a million dollars.
Dick will visibly struggle to not pull his penis out around any sharks in the role of a police officer, in New York’s special ironic forces department. His fellow Dancing With The Stars vet Kelly Osbourne will play a flight attendant—possibly on the plane that brings Ziering and Reid’s characters to New York, possibly on the one that brings the sharks. Independence Day stars Vivica A. Fox and Judd Hirsch will once again bear witness to apocalyptic destruction as, respectively, an old high-school friend of Ziering’s and “a taxi driver,” in a nod to how Judd Hirsch used to be a beloved actor and you are inexplicably sad now. It's a veritable sharknado of feelings.
Mark McGrath will set aside his hatred of the sea and everything in it to play Ziering’s brother-in-law, knowing that the terrifying combination of sharks and tornadoes runs a distant second to the lineup of the Under The Sun tour. McGrath’s inevitable death from being torn asunder inside the Sharknado will someday be soundtracked to Sugar Ray’s “Fly,” in a mash-up video you’ll watch 10 seconds of before shutting it off.
Judah Friedlander will play “Brian.” Brian is a dude who may or may not wear a hat, and either does or doesn’t like sharknadoes.
Once Sharknado: The Second One proves to be a relative success, the third movie will begin casting other things you mostly remember from the ’90s, like Monica Lewinsky as a marine biologist, or America Online as Ziering’s ex-girlfriend.