CBS: "All of our shows are awesome, even that one where Jim Belushi plays a lawyer"

CBS, the network for real people who have to work in the morning, has issued full-season orders to all of its freshmen series. Yes, even that Jim Belushi lawyer show. And if an hour of Jim Belushi lawyerin’, lawyerin’ like only a Jim Belushi can gets a full-season pick-up, don’t even pretend like Mike & Molly will not be granted an entire year to exhaust the nation’s reservoir of fat jokes. But don’t worry: The CBS Research and Development team is currently hard at work, putting in the required man-hours to innovate the next generation of fat jokes, running various titration procedures to break down the fat joke into its core elements, then combine them into new, even more volatile formulas, possibly involving airplane seats.

It’s that same commitment to experimentation that’s enabled the also-not-going-anywhere $#*! My Dad Says, which made great strides this year synthesizing 21st-century technology with mid-century sitcom tropes, and the (not that bad, admittedly) reboot of Hawaii Five-0 to lead the way toward reviving all of our past successes as postmodern exercises. Also, the Tom Selleck cop show Blue Bloods was renewed; it averages a 12.7 million ratings share, only 2.2 million of which are adults 18-49, leading us to conclude only one thing: High-school kids fucking love Blue Bloods.