Change my mind: Rom-coms

My whole life, I’ve been telling myself I’m not a rom-com person. I’m not a romantic at heart; those narratives just don’t appeal to me. But there’s always something that tugs at the back of my brain, especially working in the field that I do, that makes me pause. I’ll be editing a review for The Idea Of You and think, “Why am I being so cynical about this? Why can’t I see the joy in romance?”

To help me sort out my feelings surrounding this complicated-to-me genre, I consulted our resident rom-com expert, A.V. Club staff writer Mary Kate Carr. Could she explain the appeal of a romance-driven narrative to me, a romance idiot? I went into this conversation genuinely wanting to understand. I wanted her to change my mind. As it turns out, talking to people about the things they love can be pretty enlightening. I just needed some help to see it from a new perspective.

Mary Kate Carr: This is a big question because I like EVERYTHING about romantic comedy. I’m a person who appreciates a familiar formula, so if a rom-com can hit all the classic beats while still feeling fresh and new, it’s magic to me. I love when two actors have a palpable energy you can feel—I love sexual tension! And if, on top of all that, there are actual good jokes, I’m in heaven. But saying “I love rom-coms” is like saying “I like pop music”—it’s a pretty basic opinion that’s probably shared by a majority of people. So what I’d like to know is, what is it about rom-coms that turns you off?

JL: It’s exactly what you like about it—the formula. In general, I go into movies wanting to be surprised or see a new take on something. I guess I don’t find the formulaicness comforting, but boring. “Will-they-won’t-they” isn’t an inherently interesting dynamic to me. Like, if the main tension of a movie is “Will these two people get together?” my answer is typically “I don’t care.” And it bothers me that that’s my response, because it feels so cynical! I genuinely want to see the light.

MKC: See, I think the rom-com gets the most heat of any genre for being formulaic, but the truth is all stories follow formulas. Obviously, Marvel has been getting away with making roughly the same movie over and over again for more than a decade (and I’m not knocking that—again, I love formulas!), but if you watch enough film and television or read enough books, you can recognize the genre conventions. That’s why there are recognizable tropes in horror, or divorce dramas, or coming-of-age tales that we can parody.

I think the main difference is, romances have a set ending. Like you’re saying, in a will-they-won’t-they situation, we always know they will. A rom-com needs a “Happily Ever After” to be considered a rom-com at all. To me, that actually requires a filmmaker to be more innovative. We know where we’re going to end up, so all the richness and surprise is tied up in how we get there. To trade in on another cliché, it’s the journey, not the destination.

JL: Totally. That gets at another aspect of the formula discussion: Do you like it better when a rom-com leans into the formula, or subverts it?

MKC: Frankly, I prefer a traditional rom-com above everything, but I can appreciate a subversion. 500 Days Of Summer or Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind are classics for a reason. I’m actually a huge fan of the Reese Witherspoon film Home Again, a movie maybe 10 other people like, which subverts the required romantic happy ending. But ultimately I like when a rom-com is hitting the classic beats. Throw an extra concept on top and I’ll eat it right up: Give me an action rom-com like Knight And Day or Shotgun Wedding and I’ll have a blast.

JL: I can appreciate that, knowing what you’re getting but with a little twist in setting or circumstance. What about the other side, though? What makes a bad rom-com?

MKC: A bad rom-com is an unconvincing one. You need to care about the characters and actually want them to fall in love. There are a lot of ingredients you need for a good rom-com: actors with chemistry, a fun premise, a humorous script, a director who knows how to emphasize romance. (If you can’t film a good kiss, get out of the business, please!) Actors with great chemistry can coast without some of those ingredients, but the fewer you have, the worse the result will be. Take last year’s Your Place Or Mine as an example: great writer-director in Aline Brosh McKenna, and ostensibly good leads in Ashton Kutcher and Reese Witherspoon. But they had no chemistry, a completely unconvincing couple. (The infamously awkward red carpet photos tell you everything you need to know.) On top of that, the premise was tricky for a rom-com: The two leads temporarily swap houses on the East and West Coast, so they’re literally apart the entire movie. You just can’t make a great rom-com with those materials.

JL: What I’m learning over the course of this conversation is that maybe I have a hard time immersing myself in movies, or at least in rom-coms. Because everything you’re saying has to do with feeling: tension, chemistry, fun. And if you’re not willing to let go and just kind of get lost in the film, its world, and its characters, you’re not going to enjoy it. Maybe I just need to accept that, even if these stakes don’t feel that big to me, they do to these characters, and that’s valid and worth exploring.

MKC: The rom-com definitely requires surrender. It wants to bring you along for the ride. See, I have the opposite problem, where I’m often bought into whatever I’m watching so fully that I feel physically immersed in the experience. (It’s why I can’t watch much horror or gore; I’ve been known to black out on occasion.) I know it’s a great rom-com, and I’m fully bought in, if the big romantic climax causes an actual pang in my heart. When all the ingredients come together in the right way, it’s a sensation I can feel! And if I’m not getting a full swoon out of the romance, at least we’re (hopefully) getting some laughs out of it. The most sublime rom-coms—When Harry Met Sally, Bringing Up Baby, Moonstruck—are genuinely really funny.

JL: It’s interesting because I often find, when I’m watching a thriller or a mystery movie or something, that I often enjoy it a lot more on the second watch. I know the ending, I know what’s going to happen, and I’m not guessing anymore. It’s easier to immerse myself in the story. Maybe that’s part of the appeal of rom-coms—for the most part, you know what’s coming, even if you’ve never seen this specific movie before. And it’s easier to enjoy the journey when you’re not guessing about the destination.

MKC: That’s it completely! If you can be okay with knowing where things are going, a great rom-com has all sorts of other little pleasures for you. There are plenty of convoluted plots in the rom-com genre, but what’s great about it for the most part is that the plot is simple and ordinary. People fall in love all the time, all sorts of people, in all sorts of circumstances. I don’t need to be hooked in or convinced by that premise. I want to learn the how and why. That’s where the good stuff is.

JL: I love that. And that’s a perfect place to end, with one caveat: For people like me who want to get into the genre and experience the best of what it can offer, what are some movies that are a good place to start?

MKC: Well, When Harry Met Sally is the pinnacle for me, and for the whole genre. It’s a little more accessible than some of the old classics (Bringing Up Baby, The Philadelphia Story, His Girl Friday—all beyond amazing), but it’s got a better script than any modern rom-com (or most movies in general). Honorable mentions to Notting Hill and 10 Things I Hate About You, two movies that achieved heart pangs for me. I could really go on and on—Palm Springs! Long Shot!—but finally I will shout-out Michael Showalter’s latest, The Idea Of You. He is a director who understands the importance of a kiss. That’s what it’s all about at the end of the day!

JL: It’s funny that you mention 10 Things I Hate About You, because that is one of my favorite movies, and I’ve never thought of it as a rom-com. I’ve always just seen it as a teen comedy. But obviously it’s a rom-com. Like, it’s so obvious that I don’t know how I’ve never thought about it that way before. I guess next time I find myself frustrated that a person can’t see what’s right in front of them in a rom-com, I need to remind myself that romance blinders are real, and apparently I’ve been wearing them for basically all my life without knowing it.

MKC: So you were a secret fan all along!

JL: And I didn’t even know it!