"Checkmate, Grim Reaper!": How to cheat death, according to TV and the movies
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross can keep her five stages of grief, because we here at The A.V. Club aren't dying, folks. Not ever. When the bony hand of the Grim Reaper reaches out to tap our shoulders, we're going to remember the lessons of television and film, and see if we can make an advantageous deal with whatever agent of Thanatos has been assigned to our cases. To that end, here are our possible models for death-defying:
On Borrowed Time (1939)
The crisis: Death comes for Lionel Barrymore, who's the sole guardian of his grandson, and desperate to keep the boy out of the clutches of a greedy relative.
The crazy scheme: Barrymore convinces Death to climb an enchanted apple tree, which he won't be able to leave until Barrymore says so.
The result: Everybody in the world stops dying! But they continue to get hurt and suffer, which makes Barrymore feel really guilty. Eventually, he strikes a bargain to get his grandson adopted by his beloved maid. But first, Death tricks the boy into climbing the apple tree, which causes him to die. A distraught Barrymore finally gives in and lets Death go, and soon joins his grandson on a happy hike to heaven.
Practical application: Not everyone has access to an enchanted apple tree, so try enchanting something else. A recliner, perhaps. Ask Death to take a load off, and presto! You'll live for as long as you can abide the tortured screams of the diseased.
The Seventh Seal (1957)
The crisis: The plague ravages Europe in the wake of the Crusades, creating desperate conditions that lead to religious strife and a tide of immorality.
The crazy scheme: Returning knight Max von Sydow offers to play a game of chess with Death, to prolong his life even in the face of abject misery.
The result: Von Sydow keeps the game going, and over time gets to re-experience art, injustice, and the comforts of home. Then he "buys the smorgasbord," or whatever colorful expression they use for dying in Sweden.
Practical application: Brush up on your skewer and your Sicilian defense. If you can prolong endgame, you might get to see your kids graduate from college. Or at least kindergarten. (Death is a really good chess player.)
Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey (1991)
The crisis: Slacker icons Bill and Ted (Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves) are tossed off a cliff by robot versions of themselves, sent by a future-tyrant who wants to rid the world of their laid-back philosophy.
The crazy scheme: Caught betwixt heaven and hell, Bill and Ted encounter a pasty-faced Death, looking suspiciously similar to that dude from The Seventh Seal. The boys immediately challenge Death to a series of games, including Battleship and Twister.
The result: Our heroes outwit the kvetching Reaper. The world is made safe for good-hearted dimbulbs who look and act like stoners, but never actually smoke any weed.
Practical application: No need to waste all that time learning chess strategy if a working knowledge of Clue will do.
The Grim Adventures Of Billy And Mandy (2001-07)
The crisis: A Jamaican-accented Death comes to the small town of Endsville to spirit aging hamster Mr. Snuggles to the afterlife.
The crazy scheme: The hamster's pre-teen owner Billy and his best friend Mandy travel to Limbo, where The Grim Reaper (or "Grim" for short) challenges them to a game of limbo. If the kids win, Mr. Snuggles lives, and Grim becomes their best friend for life.
The result: Grim becomes their best friend for life. And over the next seven seasons, he hangs around suburbia, watching violent TV shows and reluctantly getting Billy and Mandy out of wacky cartoon scrapes.
Practical application: When in doubt, baffle Death with non sequiturs and frenetic Cartoon Network-style mayhem. Eventually, he'll do whatever ridiculous thing you want.
Here Comes Mr. Jordan (1941)
Heaven Can Wait (1978)
Down To Earth (2001)
The crisis: A bad-luck boxer (or quarterback, or stand-up comedian) is plucked prematurely from a violent wreck by an angel who only intended to spare him the pain. Instead, the angel has to find a way to get the hero back where he belongs, so he can live out his remaining 40 years of life.
The crazy scheme: Until a strapping young body can be found, the boxer (or quarterback, or stand-up comedian) parks his soul in the corpse of a murdered millionaire, then gets so wrapped up in living the old man's life that he doesn't want to leave.
The result: Even in a broken-down body, the boxer wants a title fight, the quarterback wants to start in the Super Bowl, and the comedian wants to headline at The Apollo. Each has the money to fulfill his dream, but their designated angels mean to hold them to their original agreement, and let the old man die as intended.
Practical application: If for some reason your corpse can't be re-used, find another corpse, until Heaven can find a better corpse, and then… um… wait, has anyone ever been able to figure out the metaphysics of any of these movies?
Mulberry (1992-93)
The crisis: Death's grown son, Mulberry (played by Karl Howman) is given his first assignment, to harvest the soul of bitter old dowager Geraldine McEwan.
The crazy scheme: Disappointed by McEwan's lousy attitude, Mulberry hides his true intentions and signs on to be her butler, hoping he can get her to enjoy life and embrace death during a three-month "extension."
The result: Both parties learn some valuable lessons about when to take life seriously and when to just let go.
Practical application: It's the old reverse-psychology bit. Act like a total jerk when Death comes a-calling, and maybe you can bully your way into a little extra time. (Note: Only works if you're dealing with Death's sentimental offspring. The real guy is much more of a hard-liner.)
The Twilight Zone: "One For The Angels"
The crisis: "Mr. Death" tells salesman Ed Wynn that his time is up at midnight.
The crazy scheme: Wynn insists that he needs to live long enough to make one perfect sales pitch. When Mr. Death inexplicably agrees to give him that chance, Wynn promptly quits the business, convinced that he's found a loophole.
The result: Mr. Death goes after a young girl in Wynn's apartment building instead, and when Wynn pleads for her life, he finally makes that perfect pitch, and goes to heaven in her place.
Practical application: Take a look at the title page of your life script. Are you being written by Rod Serling? Then try to live your life with minimum ironic potential. You just might make it.
Soultaker (1990)
The crisis: Persistent angels of death Joe Estevez and Robert Z'Dar go after a group of teenagers who aren't yet meant to die.
The crazy scheme: The teens haul ass trying to escape, while Estevez tries every bit of trickeration in his angel-of-death playbook, from shape-shifting to standing around, pointing ominously.
The result: Estevez loses his gig, and is replaced by one of the teens, because the soul-taking business needs fresh legs.
Practical application: Oh, shit… Run! Run!