Having already surpassed the U.S. in education, trade, Jackie Chan amusement parks, and soon maybe overall economy, China is now solidifying its bid to become the world’s foremost superpower by surpassing us in the compression of meat stuffs into McNugget form. As reported by Kotaku, McDonald’s China recently introduced the Spicy Pork McBite—or, as translated by Shanghaist, the Crispy Spicy Piggy Ball, as the Chinese have also surpassed us in hilariousness. And as you might gather from the name, the Spicy Pork McBite is a deep-fried ball that is approximately the size of a human bite, consisting of ground meat that is approximately the texture of pork. Indeed, while McDonald’s America wastes needless hours forming its pork mush into the shape of fake rib bones, McDonald’s China simply rolls it into a ball and gets on with its day of dominating global industries.
“But how does it taste?” asks the lazy American, whose selfish pursuit of pleasure is directly related to our nation’s growing McNugget gap. According to reviews, not bad: “No need for dipping sauce here, the spicy dressing is built in, lending them some tingle,” Shanghaist reports, adding, “It's not the organic burn of Sichuan or Hunan food, but a more artificial, MSG-laced heat, like someone dumped in a packet of that spicy powder used for instant noodles.”
Despite that ringing endorsement, Kotaku’s taste tester recommends adding sweet-and-sour sauce anyway, to counteract the pork ball’s “burning sensation.” Still, they did commend its “smooth texture,” saying, “There isn't much resistance when you bite into a porky ball.” Except, of course, from the imperialist, white-chicken world of the West, who apparently can’t handle some spicy piggy balls. And until we do, can America ever truly hope to retain its supremacy over the compressed meat ball that is the Earth?
Our phone calls to Secretary of State John Kerry about piggy balls were not returned.