If you noticed an oxidized tear staining Lady Liberty’s cheek or felt a further sapping of the American dollar, you can safely blame Christina Aguilera, whose fumbling of the National Anthem during last night’s Super Bowl dealt a devastating blow to a country that was feeling invincible right up until that very second. As you can see from the below video, Aguilera missed the line “O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming,” instead improvising, “What so proudly we watched at the twilight’s last reaming”—turning a song about strength in the face of adversity into a perverted celebration of the evening being anally violated.
This morning, her Wikipedia page appropriately censured, Aguilera issued an apology, saying, “I can only hope that everyone could feel my love for this country and that the true spirit of its anthem still came through,” thereby hoping to stop our troops abroad from just surrendering en masse. Meanwhile, the Black Eyed Peas issued a “you’re welcome” for engendering four minutes of absolute world peace, as even protestors in Cairo stopped momentarily to say, “Does Slash really need money or something?”