Crimes:
— Giving Uwe Boll cultists their very own Jay And Silent Bob
Strike Back
— Assuming audiences care enough about Uwe Boll and his
war with critics, studios, distributors, stars, and the world at large to
tolerate an endless deluge of in-jokes
— Wasting a strangely inspired performance by Dave Foley and his
naked penis
— Sullying the good name and
spotless reputation of national treasure Verne Troyer
Defender: Writer-director-producer-actor
Uwe Boll
Tone
of commentary: Angry,
confrontational, political, arrogant, deluded, self-righteous, and all over the
place. In a rambling, digressive commentary characterized by a level of
paranoia not often seen outside psychiatric institutions, Boll quotes Marx and
rails against agents, movie stars, Rob Schneider's brother, studios, President
Bush, Islamic fundamentalists, the German film industry, the political
exploitation of 9/11, the media, and spineless suits reluctant to finance his
drama about genocide in Sudan. (Seriously!)
As
in previous commentaries, Boll lashes out petulantly in mangled English at
movies that outgrossed his masterpieces, whining, "The movie is shit, First Sunday. Ice Cube is a total disaster,
but the people went because they're all victims of the advertising industry…
You think In
The Name Of The King was
less quality than B.C.
10,000, then you are out of your
mind." Yeah! Everyone knows Boll's In The Name Of The King had a more-good plot than First Sunday.
Boll
posits Postal as a
corrective to the formulaic comedies of Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller, and Owen
Wilson. In a characteristic act of sensitivity, he quips, "Owen Wilson, who
didn't make suicide. I understand why he's suicidal. [Chuckling.] I would also
be suicidal, always making the same shit, cashing in the money instead of
taking on some real parts."
You
know who else wouldn't take on real parts? Sarah Silverman, Rob Schneider, Ron
Perlman, Jamie Kennedy, and David Cross, none of whom had the brass cojones to
appear in Postal. As part of
his grand symphony of self-pity, Boll complains, "Sarah Silverman is so funny,
but then she plays only in that studio movies. Or David Cross, he passed also
on it because it was too harsh for him. But then you see them onstage, and
they're really harsh onstage, but then they pussy out in front of Hollywood and
playing, like, stupid small parts in studio movies to be part of the system and
to get the money."
Asian
drivers similarly rank high on Boll's overstuffed shit list. During a scene
where a cop shoots an elderly Asian woman in the face with a shotgun, Boll
explains, "In Vancouver, a lot of times if you want to turn left, you have
people in front of you, a lot of times Asian drivers, and they don't drive,
they don't move left if you want [them] to move left. I was so many times in my
car screaming, flipping out at the drivers, that this was my special private
scene here in the movie. It's what I really wanted to do with these people on a
daily basis, driving like retards."
What
went wrong: The
people behind the videogame Postal originally wrote what Boll describes as a Taxi Driver-like dramatic script for the
film version. This caused Boll, in a deep depression over the paltry domestic
box-office of Bloodrayne, to pull out the old
typewriter and write the film himself as a way of getting even "against the
fans, the Boll-haters, with myself, with the whole political people around me."
Major talent agencies refused to let their actors appear in the film on the
grounds that the script was too "disgusting, insulting and over-the-top" for
their clients. Many of the actors Boll wanted passed (see above), and
distributors refused to take the film out of fear of being attacked by Islamic
fundamentalists. Basically, the whole world was conspiring against Uwe Boll,
just like it does every time he makes a movie. Truly, he is the most oppressed
man in the history of the universe.
Comments
on the cast: A
sort of human IMDB, Boll rattles off key credits for pretty much everyone in
the movie. He praises Foley for agreeing to extensive full-frontal nudity that
wasn't even in the script. Boll laughingly tells viewers that if they want to
cast the morbidly obese Postal cast member
who previously appeared in Good Luck Chuck, you'll need to reserve "the whole airplane,"
because she takes up "more than two seats."
Inevitable
dash of pretension: "I
have the courage. This movie is full of courage. This movie is not pussying out
for nobody. This movie is insulting the people that have now the power, who can
now destroy my career. They can now sue me. They can now kill me, like the
fundamentalists. I give a shit about the fucking Mufti shit, and about the
Muslims or whatever, or Muhammad, because I give a shit about the whole
religious stuff."
The
commentary in a nutshell: "If you are offended to see that movie [Postal], it is your mistake,
because you got the wrong education, and the wrong childhood, and the wrong
things, basically, the wrong thinking. You have to change, not the movie."