Crimes:
—
Using the premise of a man filled with animal organs as a hook for a string of
unimaginative jokes about uncontrollable sex drives and "marking territory"
—
Straining so hard to keep those jokes PG-13 that some scenes don't make any
literal sense
— Casting flash-in-the-pan Survivor loser Colleen Haskell as
a nondescript love interest, based—with no small degree of sneer—on
environmentalist Julia "Butterfly" Hill
—
Foisting the hairy, gawky Rob Schneider on the audience in a role that requires
him either to mug or mope for a full 85 minutes
Defenders: Director Luke Greenfield, producer John
Schneider, and writer-producer-star Rob Schneider
Tone of commentary: John Schneider is a
non-factor in the track he shares with his brother Rob, who dominates the conversation
by making banal observations on nearly every single shot. ("That's a good shot";
"That's a good delivery"; "That's an Adam Sandler joke"; and so on.) Rob
Schneider also occasionally breaks into song and/or into exaggerated "black
voice," praises his own choice of songs for the soundtrack—"Train is
going to be huge," he warns—takes note of how much each licensed song and
logo cost, and points out the places where he stuck in references to countries
where his movies are popular. (Though when The Animal's one Filipino character
turns out to be a pervert, Schneider sighs, "Now Filipinos are sad. Happy, then
sad.") When he isn't walking viewers through the movie's accounting ledger,
Schneider waxes philosophical about comic timing and how far to take physical
comedy. "How much do you do, as an actor?" he muses over a scene of himself
wildly humping his front lawn.
Meanwhile, on a separately recorded track, the
boyish-sounding Greenfield matches his star's nitpickiness by pointing out
where each scene deviated from his storyboards, blaming "a bunch of political
bullshit" for getting in the way of his "vision." But while Schneider and
Greenfield may not have always seen eye-to-eye on everything about The
Animal,
they do agree on this: The scene where the old lady beats Schneider up is hi-larious. "I like women
beating the shit out of people," Greenfield chuckles, while over on his track, Schneider wonders,
"Can you punch a woman? I think if she kicks you in the balls, you could punch
her in the ass."
What went wrong: That "political bullshit"
that Greenfield refers to seems to be the main culprit. Greenfield was hired on
the strength of a short film he completed in film school, and regarding his
concerns that he'd be ground up in the Hollywood machine, he tactfully says,
"You hear all the worrisome stories about what's going to happen, and I have to
say… I didn't really learn too much about filmmaking, but more about dealing
with a group of producers. It was a great experience." Nevertheless, Greenfield
and Schneider both complain about the studio/MPAA-mandated cuts to get their
family-friendly rating, which meant they lost a lot of footage from the scene
where Schneider tries to seduce a goat, and pretty much all of a scene where he
guesses what's up various reporters' butts. ("So sad," sighs Schneider.)
Schneider also gripes occasionally about Greenfield's mise-en-scene, snapping,
"Enough with the pan-downs!" and "Cool bathroom, huh? They got a surfboard
that's actually the sink. Good thing we didn't show it." For his part,
Greenfield explains away some of his failings as a first-timer by admitting,
"On the set, I stutter and mumble, and I'm a lot geekier than I am now."
Comments on the cast: Everybody loves "Johnny
C." McGinley, in a supporting part as Schneider's hard-ass police-force
superior, barking out ad-libs and wearing a super-tight shirt. ("He actually
had his shirt tied underneath his balls," Schneider quips.) Greenfield also has
some kind words for Schneider's gameness: "We had a blender scene and blended a
bunch of stuff, like a stick and a piece of a tree… Rob actually threw up on
the set… God, he's crazy."
Inevitable dash of pretension: Greenfield says that he
"always dreamt what my first feature would be like," and that he "always
figured the Columbia logo would be the first logo for my first film." So for
him, The Animal
was a dream come true. He even drove around from theater to theater on opening
weekend to watch audiences' reactions to his big car-crash scene. ("That's why
I make movies, really.") As for Schneider, he notes, "For you fans of French
cinema, this next scene is taken from the film Didier, by Alain Chabat." But
lest we think he's too high-minded, he also points out, "Every Rob Schneider
movie is going to have a bathroom scene. I said, 'What's the most embarrassing
way to meet a girl? Well, what if he's in there taking a whizzer and he sneaks
a fart out, and the hot girl he's in love with comes out of the stall?'"
Commentary in a nutshell: While noting that he had
to get the film's composer to whip up a quick hip-hop track to replace the
Beastie Boys song they couldn't afford, Schneider puts on his "black voice" and
grunts, "That's what I'm talkin' 'bout… savin' money! Savin' the studio
mon-eeee!"