Last night, the Beverly Hilton welcomed the fifth annual Critics’ Choice Television Awards, that agonizing yearly scenario where critics are forced to choose which shows and actors they’d like to see continue, and which will be put to death. This year’s show was hosted by Cat Deeley, who not so coincidentally won an award for hosting. Suspiciously, many others who agreed to turn up and hang out with critics for the promise of free alcohol also won some things. And as usual, the list of winners is a veritable who’s who of shows beloved by the Broadcast Television Journalists Association—as well as a list of whose “Who?” will be most deeply felt when it’s inevitably uttered by Emmy voters, who, unfortunately, probably aren’t going to be as into The Americans or Amy Schumer.
Nevertheless, both got their biggish night Sunday—though Schumer had an arguably more important place to be at the Peabody Awards, where she made out with Tina Fey. Others who weren’t too busy kissing Tina Fey to be recognized included perennial critical favorites like Justified, newcomers like Empire’s Taraji P. Henson and semi-newcomers such as Better Call Saul’s Bob Odenkirk, and surprises like Silicon Valley’s T.J. Miller.
In fact, Miller’s win was so unexpected, the announcement caught him in the middle of shoveling food into his mouth, apparently already eating his disappointment. Once Miller finished chewing, his “speech” (“Yeah, I didn’t write a fuckin’ speech”) began with this, perhaps the greatest line ever uttered in acceptance of an entertainment-related trophy: “I would say that awards are for children, because children need a tangible representation of their achievement. Whereas adults should settle for the respect and admiration of their peers. But what do I know? I just play an arrogant blowhard who says whatever the fuck he wants to.”
That thanks-but-whatever theme continued as Seth MacFarlane accepted his Genius Award, saying that it would “look good next to my soccer participation trophy.” MacFarlane also acknowledged that the word “genius” was, as always, fairly loosely defined: “Being called a genius in Hollywood is kinda like being called ‘thin’ at Disneyland.”
Anyway, here are the rest of the children who left feeling like their critic mommies and daddies loved them, listed in bold. The rest will simply have to console themselves with being adults who successfully make a living doing what they want.
Best Drama Series
The Americans
Empire
Game Of Thrones
The Good Wife
Homeland
Justified
Orange Is The New Black
Best Comedy Series
Silicon Valley
Broad City
Jane The Virgin
Mom
Transparent
Veep
You’re The Worst
Best Actress In A Drama Series
Taraji P. Henson, Empire
Eva Green, Penny Dreadful
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Keri Russell, The Americans
Vera Farmiga, Bates Motel
Viola Davis, How to Get Away With Murder
Best Actor In A Drama Series
Bob Odenkirk, Better Call Saul
Aden Young, Rectify
Charlie Hunnam, Sons Of Anarchy
Freddie Highmore, Bates Motel
Matthew Rhys, The Americans
Timothy Olyphant, Justified
Best Supporting Actress In A Drama Series
Lorraine Toussaint, Orange Is the New Black
Carrie Coon, The Leftovers
Christine Baranski, The Good Wife
Joelle Carter, Justified
Katheryn Winnick, Vikings
Mae Whitman, Parenthood
Best Supporting Actor In A Drama Series
Jonathan Banks, Better Call Saul
Ben Mendelsohn, Bloodline
Christopher Eccleston, The Leftovers
Craig T. Nelson, Parenthood
Mandy Patinkin, Homeland
Walton Goggins, Justified
Best Guest Performance In A Drama Series
Sam Elliott, Justified
Cicely Tyson, How To Get Away With Murder
Julianne Nicholson, Masters Of Sex
Linda Lavin, The Good Wife
Lois Smith, The Americans
Walton Goggins, Sons Of Anarchy
Best Actor In A Comedy Series
Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent
Anthony Anderson, Blackish
Chris Messina, The Mindy Project
Johnny Galecki, The Big Bang Theory
Thomas Middleditch, Silicon Valley
Will Forte, The Last Man On Earth
Best Actress In A Comedy Series
Amy Schumer, Inside Amy Schumer
Constance Wu, Fresh Off The Boat
Gina Rodriguez, Jane The Virgin
Ilana Glazer, Broad City
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
Lisa Kudrow, The Comeback
Best Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series
Allison Janney, Mom
Carrie Brownstein, Portlandia
Eden Sher, The Middle
Judith Light, Transparent
Mayim Bialik, The Big Bang Theory
Melanie Lynskey, Togetherness
Best Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series
T.J. Miller, Silicon Valley
Adam Driver, Girls
Cameron Monaghan, Shameless
Jaime Camil, Jane The Virgin
Tituss Burgess, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
Tony Hale, Veep
Best Guest Performer In A Comedy Series
Bradley Whitford, Transparent
Becky Ann Baker, Girls
Josh Charles, Inside Amy Schumer
Laurie Metcalf, The Big Bang Theory
Peter Gallagher, Togetherness
Susie Essman, Broad City
Best Limited Series
Olive Kitteridge
24: Live Another Day
American Crime
The Book Of Negroes
The Honorable Woman
Wolf Hall
Best Actress In A Movie Or Limited Series
Frances McDormand, Olive Kitteridge
Aunjanue Ellis, The Book Of Negroes
Felicity Huffman, American Crime
Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Freak Show
Maggie Gyllenhaal, The Honorable Woman
Queen Latifah, Bessie
Best Actor in a Movie or Limited Series
David Oyelowo, Nightingale
James Nesbitt, The Missing
Kiefer Sutherland, 24: Live Another Day
Mark Rylance, Wolf Hall
Michael Gambon, The Casual Vacancy
Richard Jenkins, Olive Kitteridge
Best Supporting Actress In A Movie Or Limited Series
Sarah Paulson, American Horror Story: Freak Show
Claire Foy, Wolf Hall
Cynthia Nixon, Stockholm, Pennsylvania
Janet McTeer, The Honorable Woman
Khandi Alexander, Bessie
Mo’Nique, Bessie
Best Supporting Actor In A Movie Or Limited Series
Bill Murray, Olive Kitteridge
Cory Michael Smith, Olive Kitteridge
Elvis Nolasco, American Crime
Finn Wittrock, American Horror Story: Freak Show
Jason Isaacs, Stockholm, Pennsylvania
Jonathan Pryce, Wolf Hall
Best Reality Series Host
Cat Deeley, So You Think You Can Dance
Anthony Bourdain, Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown
Betty White, Betty White’s Off Their Rockers
James Lipton, Inside The Actors Studio
Phil Keoghan, The Amazing Race
Tom Bergeron, Dancing With The Stars
Best Reality Series
Shark Tank
Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown
Deadliest Catch
Married At First Sight
MythBusters
Undercover Boss
Best Reality Competition Series
Face Off
The Amazing Race
America’s Got Talent
Dancing With The Stars
Master Chef Junior
The Voice
Best Movie Made for Television
Bessie
Killing Jesus
Nightingale
A Poet In New York
Stockholm, Pennsylvania
Best Talk Show
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
The Graham Norton Show
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Last Week Tonight With John Oliver
The Late Late Show With James Corden
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Best Animated Series
Archer
Bob’s Burgers
Gravity Falls
The Simpsons
South Park
Star Wars Rebels