With Snooki revealed to be little more than an orange herring, the just-announced cast of this year’s Dancing With The Stars makes good on those earlier promises of a “higher caliber” of celebrity by hiring David Arquette, who has appeared in an actual movie that was actually in theaters within the last year, and is thus essentially George Clooney by Dancing With The Stars measures. Of course, fellow contestant Elizabetta Canalis has had sex with George Clooney, so she is also essentially George Clooney by Dancing With The Stars measures. Anyway, clearly the show is hoping that Arquette can help shore up an ensemble once again heavy on reality stars both new (Chaz Bono, Robert Kardashian) and vintage (Ricki Lake, Kristin Cavallari, Carson Kressley), while also bringing the same excitement and honor to the world of competitive dancing that he previously did to professional wrestling.
Swaying in the shadows of Arquette are sympathetic Iraq War veteran turned actor J.R. Martinez, obligatory faded pop star Chynna Phillips, World Cup soccer player Hope Solo, and Ron Artest, who will provide much of the show’s tension with the sense that at any minute he could charge the panel and punch Bruno Tonioli. And of course, the reason everyone will be watching: The aptly named Nancy Grace, the stink-eyed Salomé whose weekly dance of the seven veils will slowly strip away her pantsuited shell, a restless investigative search for the beautiful little girl lost inside.