December 26, 2012

I just started an intense relationship with a guy who has a boyfriend. This guy and I love each other. However, he is uncomfortable with me meeting his boyfriend. I’ve asked if it’s okay that we’re fucking, and he said they’re in an open relationship, so it’s okay. I asked if it’s okay that we’re in love, and he said yes. So why the secrecy? My lover’s only explanation is that his boyfriend doesn’t want to know about the guys he fucks around with. The whole situation is starting to make me uneasy. I can’t figure out why I want to know more about his boyfriend. Is it so I can verify that he’s not cheating, or that jealousy is an issue for them and that’s why I can’t meet him? I do know that I wish my lover would be more open with me. Should I just relax?
The Other Person

Monogamous couples have one rule about fucking other people—“don’t fuck other people”—but non-monogamous couples have all sorts of different rules, TOP, and sometimes a particular couple’s particular rules make it hard for a third to verify that the partnered person he’s sleeping with is, in fact, in an honest and healthy open relationship.

That said, most couples with a “don’t want to know about the other people you’re fucking” rule—and that’s a pretty common rule—also have a rule against getting emotionally involved with the other people they’re fucking. So if it’s against the rules for the guy you’re seeing to introduce his boy-on-the-side to his boyfriend, TOP, odds are good that swapping “I love yous” with his boy-on-the-side is against the rules, too.

Someone is being lied to here. Either this guy is lying to you about being in an open relationship, or he’s lying to his boyfriend about not getting emotionally involved with the other guys he fucks. Whichever it is, TOP, I don’t see a future for you with this guy—or much of a future for him and his boyfriend, frankly.

But to answer your question: No, TOP, don’t relax. DTMFA.

I suppose you could sit your friends down and say, “Hey, when you two move out of your friends-in-open-relationships-with-benefits honeymoon phase, I could use a little more friends-without-benefits attention.” But there’s almost no way to say that without coming across like a jealous, controlling bag of dykenuts, SUB. So I would urge you to hang back and trust that this honeymoon phase, like all honeymoon phases, will eventually pass, and these two friends will have more time for you in the future.

In the meantime, fuck your girlfriend lots and hang out with other friends. And remember: When you’re feeling like the third wheel, SUB, it’s because you’re probably functioning as the third wheel. While first and second wheels can make an effort to prevent thirds from feeling like the thirds they are, thirds that make a decision to roll elsewhere generally wind up feeling better.

My advice: Lick your hubby’s balls while you jerk him off.

Your husband either can’t get off from a blowjob alone—and there are men out there who can’t—or your blowjobs just don’t do it for him. In the interest of marital harmony, HHH, let’s give your blowjobs the benefit of the doubt and assume that your husband is one of those guys who can’t be gotten off by blowjob alone.

If you love sucking dick and your blowjobs are in no way traumatizing—if they don’t leave your husband curled up on the floor sobbing—then go ahead and blow your husband. Telling him the blowjobs are for you, HHH, will take the pressure off him and—who knows?—he may relax and enjoy the blowjob more. He might even get off.

Bonus pro tip: You know that flavored lubes don’t do anything for the person being blown, right? They’re for people who don’t like the taste of dick, HHH, and it doesn’t sound like you’re one of those people. Until they come out with Chord Overstreet-flavored or Cheyenne Jackson-flavored lube, there’s no reason you should be slathering your hubby’s dick with artificial flavorings and aspartame.

I’m going to assume that you two are in a committed relationship, that you’ve both been tested and have either no STIs or the same STIs, that neither of you is having unprotected sex with anyone else, that you rarely eat asparagus or beets, that you don’t plan on doing this in front of your pets, etc.

Okay, DOUCHE, I feel like Santa Claus right now, because I have the perfect toy to put under your tree. (Your tree is still up, right?) Go to forttroff.com, click “Enter,” search “ass tunnel,” then watch the video demo. It’s an after-Christmas miracle. (For the idiots in my readership, that link is NSFW. And, yes, I’m assuming DOUCHE and his BF celebrate Christmas. But only because all the piss-in-assers I’ve ever known were homeschooled Liberty University graduates.)

Happy holidays, everybody!