Democrats book Scarlett Johansson and Kerry Washington in attempt to outshine old man yelling at chair

Faced with having to come up with a watercooler moment that could compete with Clint Eastwood arguing with the invisible man who's always telling him to go fuck himself, the Democratic National Convention scrambled to find the rare famous person who is not Jon Voight or Kelsey Grammer, and finally settled on Scarlett Johansson and Kerry Washington. (Though previously reported, Natalie Portman is not expected to attend.) The two actresses are now rumored to be "secretly scheduled" to appear in tandem and speak tomorrow night, showing up sometime before Obama officially accepts the nomination, and immediately after Foo Fighters similarly attempts to out-rock Taylor Hicks. All of these are, of course, examples of pointless celebrity worship resorted to only by a desperate political party, whenever it is not the Republican party.