Desperate government resorts to hip memes to keep fidget spinners out of children’s mouths

We have to assume the rise of the fidget spinner set off a series of increasingly strident alarm bells in the offices of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, the independent government agency tasked with stopping the American people from wiping themselves out with “unreasonable risks” created by the products we blindly but constantly consume. At first, things were probably pretty chill. “Someone might slip on that,” maybe, or “Seems like it could cause some distractions in the classroom.” But then, the damn things just kept going, spinning faster and faster in the public consciousness, and things rapidly got out of hand. (“Oh god,” someone at the US CPSC may have whispered to themselves. “They’ve started sharpening them.”)

The biggest danger, though, was that spinners contain ball bearings and other tiny parts, which are basically candy to the accidentally (but industriously) suicidal children of the planet Earth. Faced with this existential threat to America’s youth, the Commission had no choice: It was time to deploy the memes. And, god help us, they came up with a doozy:

We want to be very clear: We are not making fun of this kid. This kid is amazing, and we wish he was our friend, teaching us all the latest fidg-spi tricks. (Also, he could tell us whether kids are calling them “fidg-spi”s these days, because we’re honestly kind of winging it here.) We could discuss the truth, and the search for the truth, and how we can all agree that one very good truth is that he shouldn’t put a fidget spinner in his mouth, because he would die.

That being said, no positive public movement can ever exist without an opposite force to bring it down, as the denizens of Twitter were extremely quick to prove:

Damn it, guys.