This week, the new issue of People magazine has a helpful diagram of celebrity marriage right on its front cover! Check it out:
Starting from the bottom right corner,
celebrity gets married in a giant ceremony that is inversely proportionate to her actual fame; in the center, the celebrity reveals the secrets to a happy marriage (it's lasted a whole year!); and in the top right corner, celebrity finally gets divorced after her husband cheats on her with a 19-year-old who looks 15.
And, of course, there's the cautionary headline across the top "Oprah Winfrey: I'm Not Gay," a reminder to all celebrities that if you choose not to get married for 50 years, while at the same time carrying on a stiflingly close relationship with your "best friend," one day you will eventually have to prove you're not gay.
This is the most helpful thing People's done since publishing these nausea-inducing photos of Taylor Hicks, thereby allowing the American public at large to experience, if only for one brief heave, the horrors of bulemia.