Disney, not content just to own the entire entertainment industry, now building planned communities

Future historians—proud graduates of their regional Mickey Mouse Center For Higher Learning—will look back at our era as the conclusion of the Before Mouse (BM) years. They will not understand why their ancestors watched film and TV outside of what’s released on Disney+. They will not comprehend how we told and heard stories that weren’t sanctioned by the Benevolent Overlords Of I.P. Management.

And they will mark the beginning of the BM calendar with the now-imminent creation of Disney residential communities, which are both a real thing and soon to appear in California.

As Deadline reports, Disney is now embarking on the business of owning your physical reality along with the rest of it by “building new master-planned communities called ‘Storyliving’” in order to, per a dystopian statement quoted in the article, respond to “more and more fans [looking] for new ways to make Disney a bigger part of their lives.”

The first of these Mouseholes—called Cotino—will be created in Rancho Mirage in Coachella Valley, California and will feature “a range of home types including estates, single family homes, and condos, including at least one area expressly for 55+ residents.” Grandma and grandpa will get to enjoy collecting ominous sunspots while lounging around “an approximately 24-acre ‘grand oasis featuring clear turquoise waters with Crystal Lagoons technology ….’”

When not busy watching their community-mandated Star Wars programming and eating nutrient cubes shaped like a Mickey head, the population of Storyliving communities will enjoy buying branded merchandise and wondering if passing clouds look like famous cartoon characters while spending time in “a mixed-use district [which] will feature, shopping, dining and entertainment, a beachfront hotel, and a professionally managed beach park with recreation water activities.”

To keep morale high, the neighborhoods will include “Disney cast members trained in the company’s guest service” and “Disney Imagineers will play a key role in developing the creative concept for the communities.” Naturally, there will also be a selection of “Disney programming, entertainment, and activities” made available “throughout the year.”

Speaking on this business decision, Disney Parks, Experiences, And Products chairman Josh D’Amaro explained the Newspeak neighborhood naming decision by stating that his company is “developing new and exciting ways to bring the magic of Disney to people wherever they are, expanding storytelling to storyliving.” [Emphasis added.]

D’Amiro also said that the Mouse maw “can’t wait to welcome residents to these beautiful and unique Disney communities where,” god help us all, “they can live their lives to the fullest.”

Send Great Job, Internet tips to [email protected]